A man walks into the pub and the barman looks at him and says "you okay John, you looked really pissed off?"
"No" John replied "I've had a guts full of my wife. All she does is spend money and nag me. I've had enough. If it wasn't for the cost I'd divorce her".
Barman says "see that bloke sat in the corner? That's Arthur the hitman, he'll bump her of for you".
"That's a bit extreme "says John.
"Well" says the barman it wouldn't hurt to find out. So John takes his pint and goes over to see Arthur.
"Hiya" says John "barman says you might be able to help me out by bumping off my wife"
"Yeah that's right" says Arthur
"My name's Arthur but my friends call me Arti the hitman"
"How much would it cost"? asks John
"A pound" says Arti.
"A pound" says John." That's a bit cheap isn't it"?
"Yes I know" said Arti "but I get lots of work so it balances out".
"Okay" said John sliding his money across the table "I'll give you my address"
"No, that's too suspicious. Tell me where she works and I'll do it there so you can't be implicated" said Arti.
"Good thinking" said John. "She's five foot eight, blond curly hair, red hat, red and white striped apron and she works at Tesco's supermarket ".
"Okay" said Arti "consider it done.
Next day, Arti walks into Tesco's and in the bread aisle he sees a woman, five foot eight, blond curly hair, red hat and red and white striped apron. Arti creeps up behind her, strangles her and dumps her behind the shelves. As he's walking towards the exit, he sees another woman, five foot eight, blond curly hair, red hat and red and white striped apron. Well, a deals a deal and he can't let a customer down so to be sure he creeps up behind her, strangles her and dumps her behind the freezers. Then just as he's walking past the magazines he sees another woman, five foot eight, blond curly hair, red hat and red and white striped apron. So just to make sure, he creeps up behind her, strangles her and dumps her behind the magazine racks before finally walking out of the door. Little did he know, this was all caught on CCTV and as he walked out the door the police were waiting for him and arrested him.
The next day, the front page of every paper read
ARTI CHOKES THREE FOR A POUND AT TESCO'S
Joke Poo: Dave’s Bargain Bin
A stressed-out accountant, Dave, is complaining to his colleague Barry in the office breakroom. “I’m telling you, Barry, this tax season is killing me! If I didn’t need the money, I’d quit. I’d pay anything for a break!”
Barry nods sympathetically. “See that guy over there by the water cooler? That’s Gary. He’s a motivational speaker – the best in the city, they say. He can give you the inspiration you need.”
Dave scoffs. “Motivational speaker? Sounds expensive.”
“Eh,” Barry says, “Doesn’t hurt to ask.”
So Dave nervously approaches Gary. “Excuse me,” he says, “Barry tells me you’re a motivational speaker.”
“That’s right,” Gary replies, puffing out his chest. “My friends call me ‘Gary the Guv’. I can inject enthusiasm into even the most mundane existence.”
“How much would it cost,” Dave asks, “for you to motivate me through this tax season?”
“Five bucks,” Gary says, grinning.
“Five bucks?” Dave sputters. “That’s practically free!”
“Yeah, well,” Gary shrugs, “I just started out, so I get a lot of work in volume, so it sort of balances out.”
“Okay,” Dave says, handing over a crumpled five-dollar bill. “What do I do?”
“Just tell me what you need motivating to do,” Gary says. “And where, so I can give it my best shot.”
“Well,” Dave says, “I’m an accountant, and I need motivation to file tax returns for all my clients.”
“Alright,” Gary says, adjusting his tie. “Consider it done.”
The next day, Gary, buzzing with energy, marches into the tax office. Seeing a person hunched over a stack of documents, he strides confidently up to the desk and shouts, “Come on! You’re almost there! Imagine the refund! You can do it!” The guy jumps and stares at Gary, confused. Gary, not missing a beat, shouts again “Imagine what it is like to not be in jail!” and runs out, leaving behind a blank stare.
He walks around the floor and sees another person, hunched over a desk. Gary shouts “Come on! You’re almost there! Imagine the refund! You can do it!” The woman startles and looks at him. Gary, not missing a beat, shouts again “Imagine what it is like to not be in jail!” and runs out.
Gary then walks around the floor and sees another person, hunched over a desk, and he shouts, “Come on! You’re almost there! Imagine the refund! You can do it!” The women looks up, and Gary shouts again “Imagine what it is like to not be in jail!”
Unbeknownst to Gary, the whole thing was caught on security cameras, and as Gary leaves the security stop Gary and arrest him.
The next day, the newspaper headlines read:
“MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER CAUSES PANIC; SPREADS FEAR FOR FIVE BUCKS EACH”
Alright, let’s break down this joke and then inject some humorous facts to spawn a new comedic entity.
Joke Dissection:
- Setup: A disgruntled husband, a helpful (if morally bankrupt) barman, and an incredibly cheap hitman.
- Premise: Hitman named Arti offers murder for a pound due to high volume.
- Punchline: The absurdity of the price, compounded by the hitman’s indiscriminate strangling of multiple Tesco employees matching the vague description, culminating in a newspaper headline that’s both shocking and ridiculously economical. The humor lies in the contrast between the gravity of murder and the trivial cost, alongside the hitman’s dedication to his ‘volume’ model.
Key Elements:
- Cheapness: One pound for a hitman is preposterously low.
- Indiscriminate Violence: The hitman’s lack of discretion in target selection.
- Tesco’s: The setting of the crime provides a mundane and relatable backdrop.
- Newspaper Headline: The punny, sensationalist headline is the final comedic flourish.
Comedic Enrichment: “Did You Know?” Edition
Let’s focus on the “cheapness” and “Tesco’s” elements and create a “Did You Know?” riff:
New Humorous Observation:
“Did you know that inflation has hit the assassination market so hard that Arti the Hitman’s one-pound price tag is actually higher than the average salary of a Tesco’s self-checkout machine? They work for free, 24/7, judging your life choices as you scan that third family-sized chocolate bar. Think about it – you’re paying him to silence her, when the real threat to your mental health is that judgmental beep and the disembodied voice saying, ‘Unexpected item in the bagging area’!”
Explanation of Humor:
- Exaggeration: The idea of a self-checkout earning less than a pound is absurd, drawing on the humor of how low the price is for the hitman.
- Relatability: Everyone has experienced the frustration (and subtle judgment) of the self-checkout.
- Twist: Shifts the target of ire from the nagging wife to the inanimate, yet emotionally damaging, self-checkout.
- Subversive: Plays on the listener’s own experience with the self-checkout and puts the joke back in the context of an everyday, relatable situation.