On the table, she begins to pray,
"Dear Lord, please let me get through the surgery all right."
She hears that voice, "Don't worry my child, you will live to be 87yo."
She is relieved.
The Doctor comes in and asks, "Are you ready?"
She says, "Hey Doc, since you got me on the table, give me the works. New breasts, suck out this gut and put it in my ass, smooth out my eyes, give me high cheek bones, fuller lips, round off my nose and smooth out my face."
Doc says, "Sure thing, we got you."
The surgery is a success. After a few days of recovery, she feels great. She is discharged from the hospital. She starts to walk across the street to the parking lot to get in her car when, BAM, she is flattened by a bus
She gets to heaven and is brought before God.
"Hey!" she says, "I thought you said I was going to live to be 87yo."
"Oh!" says God, "I didn't recognize you."
Joke Poo: The Garage Sale Grumble
A retired accountant is setting up his garage sale, meticulously arranging his wares. He begins to mutter to himself,
“Dear Lord, please let me get a good price for all this junk.”
He hears a voice, “Don’t worry my child, everything you put out will be gone by noon, and you’ll make at least $500.”
He is thrilled.
His neighbor, a renowned antique appraiser, walks over and asks, “Ready to fleece the masses, Harold?”
Harold says, “Hey Agnes, since you’re here, give me the works. Tell everyone that chipped teacup is a rare Ming Dynasty artifact, that rusty toolbox belonged to Edison, and that hideous ceramic cat is actually a priceless art deco masterpiece. Basically, exaggerate the value of everything here.”
Agnes says, “Sure thing, I’m always up for a bit of harmless fun.”
The garage sale is a resounding success. By 11:30 am, everything is sold, and Harold counts his earnings – $750! He’s ecstatic! As he’s locking up the garage, a rogue shopping cart careens down the hill and slams right into him, knocking him unconscious.
He wakes up in heaven and is brought before St. Peter.
“Hey!” he says, “I thought I was going to make it to my 80th birthday! I still had so many garage sales to run!”
St. Peter shrugs, “Oh! I didn’t recognize you. With those inflated prices, I thought you were going to be here a lot later!”
Okay, let’s dissect this joke and then add some comedic spice!
Joke Dissection:
- Core Concept: A woman takes advantage of a divine prediction to radically alter her appearance, ironically leading to her premature demise.
- Irony: The promise of a long life is undermined by her vanity.
- Character:
- The Woman: Vain, impulsive, driven by physical appearance.
- God: Amused, perhaps a bit forgetful, and highlights the absurdity of the woman’s extreme transformation.
- Structure: Set-up (cancer surgery, divine promise), escalation (extreme plastic surgery requests), punchline (unrecognized by God).
- Humor: The humor stems from the unexpected twist and the woman’s hubris contrasting with her sudden and violent death. The punchline, God’s recognition problem, is the ultimate kicker.
Key Elements to Play On:
- Plastic surgery and its transformative effects.
- Divine intervention and the fallibility (or at least whimsical nature) of the divine.
- Irony and the contrast between expectation and reality.
- The vanity of pursuing eternal youth/beauty.
Comedic Enrichment:
Here’s a “Did You Know?” style observation that plays off the joke’s elements:
Did You Know?
The average person spends approximately 72 days of their life looking for misplaced car keys. However, if you undergo extensive plastic surgery that completely alters your appearance, God might not recognize you at the pearly gates, and you might skip those 72 days altogether, because you are instantly flattened by a bus instead. A small price to pay for cheekbones sculpted by divine oversight.
Here’s a New (Dark) Joke:
A woman in her 60s, freshly facelifted and Botoxed, stood before St. Peter. “But I’m not supposed to be here yet!” she protested. “The psychic said I’d live to 90! And my surgeon said I looked 45, easily!”
St. Peter sighed, adjusting his glasses. “Ma’am,” he said, “we’ve had a lot of trouble with plastic surgery cases lately. Our system can’t even recognize the souls anymore.” He then handed her a clipboard. “Just fill out this form: Previous Identity, Estimated Age of Death, and List of Surgical Procedures. We’ll try to sort it out… eventually.”
Why these additions work:
- “Did You Know?”: This format exploits the shock of the ending while incorporating it with the humor of trivial facts.
- New Joke: The second joke utilizes the same theme (plastic surgery/recognition in the afterlife) but adds a new scenario – St. Peter having to deal with the bureaucratic nightmare of cosmetically altered souls. It introduces another layer of absurdity.
- Both: They amplify the dark humor and the commentary on vanity embedded in the original joke. They create the image of the afterlife as being as fallible as our physical world.