Johnny Smith dedicated his entire life to wrestling. From high school hero to undefeated NCAA champ, no one is surprised when he is chosen to represent USA in the Olympics. But before the tournament, his coach pulls him aside.
"Listen son, you need to watch out for the Russian, Vladimir "The Executioner" Vladovich. He has a move called the pretzel, no one has ever gotten out of it. If he catches you in it, it's all over!"
The Olympic tournament starts, and Johnny makes his way through the Canadian, the German, the Chinese, until finally he is in the gold medal match against the Russian.
The match starts, and in no time, the Vladimir has Johnny folded up in the pretzel. Camera bulbs flash, the announcers go crazy, the Russian fans cheer their imminent victory. The ref starts the count and the American fans lose all hope.
Suddenly the Russian goes flying 10 feet in air, lands on his head completely stunned, and Johnny crawls on top of him for the pin!
After getting his medal on the podium the reports swarm him.
"Johnny! You escaped the pretzel, how did you do it?"
"Gosh, he really had me there. I didn't know which way was up. But right before I lost consciousness I saw his balls hanging in front of my face, so i bit 'em. Well you would not believe the surge of strength you get when you chomp down on your own testicles!"
Joke Poo: The Vegan Victory
Jane Doe dedicated her entire life to competitive eating. From hot dog eating contests in grade school to the world record for blueberry muffins, everyone expected her to dominate the Vegan Vegetable Games. But before the finals, her coach pulls her aside.
“Listen, Jane, you need to watch out for the Swedish champion, Ingrid “The Iron Stomach” Ingmanson. She has a move called the Compost Clutch. It involves consuming a terrifying amount of fermented cabbage, no one has ever endured it. If she unleashes it on you, it’s all over!”
The Vegan Vegetable Games finals begin, and Jane swiftly plows through the Ethiopian champion, the Argentinian champion, and the Korean champion, until she’s facing Ingrid.
The bell rings, and within moments, Ingrid has unleashed the Compost Clutch: a massive, steaming pile of fermented cabbage, which Jane must consume, or be defeated. Camera bulbs flash, the announcers gasp, and the Swedish fans celebrate their imminent victory. The judge starts the count, and the American fans lose all hope.
Suddenly, Ingrid recoils, clutching her stomach and vomiting uncontrollably! Jane, pale but triumphant, barely manages to swallow the last bite and collapses on top of the cabbage for the win!
After getting her medal on the podium, reporters swarm her.
“Jane! You survived the Compost Clutch! How did you do it?”
“Gosh, she really had me there. The smell was indescribable. But right before I lost my lunch, I saw her poorly disguised, pre-wrapped Swedish meatballs mixed in with the cabbage. Well, you would not believe the surge of strength you get when you realize your opponent just polluted a vegan challenge with MEAT! It’s the fuel of a million outraged ancestors!”
Alright, let’s dissect this “Escaping the Pretzel Hold” joke and then see if we can wring some comedic gold from it.
Joke Dissection:
- Core Concept: A wrestler escapes an unbeatable hold (the “pretzel”) in a surprising and painful way.
- Setup: Establishes Johnny’s wrestling prowess and the legendary nature of the Russian’s “pretzel” hold, building suspense.
- Punchline: The shock value and unexpected self-inflicted pain of biting his own testicles to escape. It’s a combination of absurd and vulgar.
- Humor Source: Transgression (breaking social norms by talking about such an act) and surprise (the unexpected solution). Also, the implied excruciating pain is funny due to the disconnect between the Olympian’s image of strength and the vulnerable act of self-harm.
Key Elements:
- Wrestling (specifically the “pretzel” hold).
- The Russian stereotype of being a formidable, almost superhuman opponent.
- Self-inflicted pain as a last resort.
- The extreme, desperate measures undertaken to win.
Comedic Enrichment & New Joke Idea:
Let’s focus on the “pretzel hold” and the Russian stereotype. Did you know that there are NO officially recognized “pretzel holds” in modern wrestling? (Unless maybe you are facing an angry bear, but now I digress…).
New Joke Idea: (Playing on the historical context of the “Russian Threat”)
During the height of the Cold War, the CIA was desperately trying to figure out how to counter the KGB’s legendary “Kompot Crush,” a wrestling hold so devastating, it reportedly made grown men weep like disappointed cosmonauts. They finally went to the only man to ever survive a match against Ivan “The Ice Pick” Ivanski.
“Ivan,” the former wrestler croaked, “How did you survive the Kompot Crush? It’s said no one can break it!”
“Simple,” the old man replied. “While trapped in the ‘Kompot Crush’, I looked Ivanski in the eye and whispered, “Hey, I heard you are still using a Lada”.
“The look of shame and embarrassment on his face gave me the opening I needed.”
Explanation of the New Joke:
- Historical Context: This plays on the Cold War rivalry and the perceived technological/economic inferiority of the Soviet Union (the Lada being a notoriously unreliable car).
- Misdirection: The setup implies a physical counter to the wrestling hold, but the punchline reveals a psychological attack.
- Humor Source: The unexpected nature of the “attack” and the juxtaposition of a deadly wrestling hold with a mundane, embarrassing fact. Also, the inherent humor in a wrestler being distracted by wounded pride.
This alternative approach uses the “Russian threat” stereotype but shifts the humor from graphic self-harm to subtle psychological warfare, making it a bit more palatable (and slightly more cerebral). It also subverts the expectation of a physical solution to a physical problem.