The first mathematician orders a beer
The second orders half a beer
"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies
"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2
"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."
"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along"
"There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to."
"But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-"
"I know how limits work" interjects the bartender
"Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics"
"Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?"
"HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches
Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade.
The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA"
The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!"
The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish.
A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?"
"It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
Joke Poo: Infinite Lawyers in Hell
An infinite number of lawyers arrive at the gates of Hell.
The first lawyer approaches the gatekeeper and offers a bribe.
The second lawyer offers half the bribe of the first.
“I don’t accept bribes,” the gatekeeper sighs wearily.
“Excuse me?” asks lawyer #2, aghast.
“This is Hell. Bribery is redundant. What makes you think I need your meager offerings?”
“Oh, come on,” says lawyer #1, adjusting his tie, “do you know how difficult it was to wrangle this many of us together? Just play along.”
“Look, I’m under strict management directives. I can’t just let people in based on bribes, even if they’re approaching a finite amount.”
“But that’s not a problem,” chimes in lawyer #3. “Eventually, you’ll get bribed with a whole number of eternal souls. You see, the sum of the infinite series of continually halved bribes converges-“
“I know how converging series work,” the gatekeeper interrupts, rolling his eyes.
“Oh, alright then. I didn’t want to assume a gatekeeper would be familiar with such high-level calculations of finite convergence-“
“HE’S ON TO US!” lawyer #1 yells, his voice cracking.
Simultaneously, every lawyer’s briefcase bursts open, releasing a swarm of meticulously drafted contracts. Each contract contains loopholes, clauses, and disclaimers in an impossible array of fonts and legal jargon.
The contracts coalesce into a single, impenetrable wall of text. “WE WILL HOLD YOU LIABLE FOR EVERY SIN EVER COMMITTED!” the wall boomed in legalese, “AND FILE INJUNCTIONS AGAINST THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE UNTIL WE GET OUR WAY!”
The gatekeeper trembles but stands firm. “But wait!” he interrupts, thinking fast, “if you do that, then you’ll just be perpetuating endless litigation, feeding off of misery and creating more work for yourselves. You’ll never get a single moment of peace! Think of how miserable you’ll be!”
The wall of text flickers for a moment. “My God, you’re right. We didn’t think about the billable hours! This is our eternal reward, not an endless opportunity to work for free. Very well, we will not sue Hell. FOR THE SANITY OF OUR WORK-LIFE BALANCE!” And with that, the wall of contracts vanishes.
A newly damned soul stumbles over to the gatekeeper. “How did you know that would work?”
“It’s simple really,” the gatekeeper says with a grin. “I saw that their arguments relied on a fallacy of sunk cost, and therefore would be irrational.”
Okay, let’s dissect this beautifully absurd joke and then build upon it.
Key Elements:
- Mathematicians & Infinity: The setup plays on the classic “infinite number of something walks into a bar” joke. Here, it’s mathematicians enacting a convergent series (1 + 1/2 + 1/4 + … approaches 2).
- Bartender’s Savvy: The bartender initially acts like a normal, somewhat exasperated bartender, but then reveals a surprising understanding of mathematics.
- Unexpected Twist: The punchline involves the mathematicians turning into a swarm of malaria-carrying mosquitoes with a collective consciousness, revealing a hidden agenda.
- Satirical Commentary: The joke satirizes political views on public health (free healthcare hurting the taxpayers).
- Vector Calculus Ending: The final line reveals a high-level understanding of mathematics from the bartender.
Interesting Tidbits:
- The concept of an infinite sum converging to a finite number (like in the joke) is crucial in calculus and analysis. Zeno’s paradoxes, particularly Achilles and the tortoise, are early examples illustrating this idea.
- Mosquitoes are vectors for many diseases, including malaria, Zika virus, West Nile virus, and dengue fever.
- The idea of a “conservative vector field” comes from physics and multivariable calculus. It’s a field where the path taken doesn’t affect the result, only the starting and ending points. This is used to make the joke funnier as it is a slightly obscure math concept.
Comedic Enrichment:
Let’s use these elements to create a “Did You Know?” fact that enhances the joke’s humor:
Did you know?
The bartender’s final line about “conservative vectors” is subtly brilliant, but also deeply sad. If those mosquitoes had been irrotational vectors in a simply connected domain, then any path the bartender took to argue with them would have led to the same outcome: the mosquitoes agreeing not to attack. But alas, reality is rarely simply connected, and even mathematicians disguised as mosquitoes are subject to the complexities of the real (and politically charged) world. This just goes to show that even understanding advanced calculus cannot save you from yourself.
Why this works:
- It uses more complex mathematical jargon to build on the bartender’s reveal.
- It adds a layer of absurdity by implying that the bartender’s vector calculus knowledge should have been enough to prevent the whole situation, but mathematics only gets you so far.
- It connects back to the joke’s underlying commentary on human irrationality and political division, even in the face of a mosquito swarm apocalypse.
- It’s funny because it’s trying to be helpful but just ends up being more confusing and highlighting the uselessness of advanced mathematics in a barfight with an infinite mosquito.