He asks her – why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, thinks dad, that's an odd coincidence.
A month later at bedtime, the daughter says – God bless mommy and daddy. And goodbye grandma.
Sure enough, the next day grandma breathes her last earthly breath.
The dad realizes this is more than a coincidence, but he is not sure what to do. He doesn't want to disturb his wife by telling her (Grandma and grandpa were her parents). Months go by and one night the man is listening to his daughter saying her prayers at bedtime – God bless mommy….she turns her head and looks straight at him – and goodbye daddy. What!? are you sure honey? She nods. The man's heart begins racing and he breaks out in a sweat. He is so upset, he can't sleep at all that night.
The next day he goes off to work, but locks himself in his office. He takes the phone off the hook, cancels all his meetings and awaits the inevitable. He stays at work past 5 because he feels secure there. He watches the hours tick by. Finally it is midnight and, drenched in sweat, he realizes he has cheated death. He drives home drenched in sweat and with all his nerves frazzled.
His wife is up and waiting for him – Where the hell were you today??! He replies – Don't shout, I've had an absolutely miserable day. His wife then says – You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! First, the milkman drops dead on the steps…
Joke Poo: The Parrot Prophecy
A zookeeper is listening to Percy, his prize-winning (and incredibly cynical) parrot, squawk out his evening pronouncements to the departing visitors. Percy pipes up: “Polly want a cracker! Polly want a cracker! God bless the monkeys and god bless the giraffes… and farewell to the orangutan!”
The zookeeper shivers. “Why ‘farewell’, Percy? That’s a bit morbid, isn’t it?”
Percy just preens a feather and replies, “Polly just says what Polly sees.”
The next day, the orangutan’s enclosure is empty. The poor ape had succumbed to a sudden, unforeseen illness. The zookeeper is stunned. Coincidence? Maybe.
A week later, Percy squawks again: “Polly want a cracker! God bless the monkeys… farewell to the giraffe!”
The following morning, the head giraffe is found collapsed. A freak accident with an improperly secured feeding platform. Now the zookeeper is genuinely scared. This bird… this bird knows things.
He can barely sleep that week. Every evening, he dreads listening to Percy’s pronouncements. Then, one night, it happens: “Polly want a cracker! God bless the monkeys… and farewell… to the zookeeper!”
The zookeeper’s heart leaps into his throat. He feels a cold sweat break out. He spends the entire next day in a state of near panic. He avoids the parrot enclosure, hides in the reptile house (where he feels marginally safer), and eats nothing but raw fish out of desperation. He jumps at every shadow.
Finally, the day ends. Exhausted but somehow still alive, he stumbles home, convinced he has somehow cheated fate. He walks in to find his wife furious.
“Where have you been all day?! The plumber died in our downstairs bathroom!”
Alright, let’s dissect this morbidly funny joke and then give it a comedic upgrade.
Joke Analysis:
- Core Concept: The joke plays on the irrationality of superstition and the fear of death. A child unknowingly predicts deaths with her bedtime prayers, leading to escalating anxiety and a surprise twist ending.
- Key Elements:
- The Premise: The child’s seemingly innocent prayer predicting death.
- Escalating Tension: The father’s increasing paranoia and dread as the predictions come true.
- The Twist: The expectation of the father’s death is subverted by the milkman’s demise, making the wife’s complaint unexpected and comical.
- Humor Source: The humor comes from the absurd chain of events, the father’s overreaction, and the ironic contrast between his terror and the mundane reason for his wife’s bad day.
Comedic Enrichment (New Joke):
A woman walked into a psychic’s office. The psychic took one look at her and said, “I have some bad news, your husband is going to die a tragic death.”
The woman gasped, “Oh no! But… will I remarry?”
The psychic closed her eyes, concentrating. “Yes, you will.”
The woman perked up. “Will he be handsome?”
The psychic paused, “He will be… surprised.”
Explanation of the Enrichment:
- Plays on Element: Builds directly on the theme of unexpected death (a key component of the original joke).
- Incorporates Ironic Twist: The expectation of the new husband is subverted by the implication of his sudden demise.
- Humor: Derives humor from the self-centeredness of the woman and the darkly comical image of a newlywed’s unfortunate end.
Why this works:
The new joke adds another layer of dark humor, by implying the woman had a hand in her previous husbands death, or just has horrible luck in finding a life partner. This is also the type of dark humor that might be appreciated more, because the first joke has a child blessing the dead person, which some might think is in bad taste.