Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds
to reveal a condom.
The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?" the Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence," says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.
The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief
and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran and marches
out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemist and addresses the proprietor,
this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
"We'll have a new one."
Joke Poo: The Programmer’s Patch
A seasoned programmer, wearing a slightly-too-tight, company-branded t-shirt, shuffles into a bustling coffee shop, laptop bag slung haphazardly over one shoulder. He nervously opens the bag, pulls out a carefully wrapped, anti-static bubble wrap pouch, and then extracts a USB drive, covered in electrical tape and what appears to be dried coffee stains.
The barista, who is halfway through drawing a latte art swan, raises an eyebrow.
"How much to recover the data?" the programmer asks, pointing at the USB. "I think the file table got corrupted."
"Data recovery’s tricky," replies the barista, "Could be anywhere from five to ten bucks depending on the damage."
"And how much for a brand new 64GB drive?"
"Fifteen bucks," the barista answers, finishing the latte with a flourish.
The programmer meticulously re-wraps the USB drive in bubble wrap, places it back in the bag, and shuffles back out the door.
A few minutes later, the barista hears a loud cheer from the back of the coffee shop, where a group of programmers are huddled around a table, their faces illuminated by laptop screens.
The programmer, now beaming, re-enters the shop and addresses the barista with a newfound confidence.
"The team held a code review," he announces. "We’ll just rewrite it!"
Okay, let’s break down this joke and then build on it.
Joke Analysis:
- Setup: A Scottish soldier (stereotypically frugal) presents a well-worn condom for repair. The elaborate ritual of accessing it adds to the humor.
- Punchline 1 (Anticipation): The cost comparison reveals a dilemma: repair a heavily patched condom or buy a new one.
- Turn/Twist: The soldier leaves, creating suspense. What will he do?
- Punchline 2 (Resolution): The regiment’s collective decision ("we’ll have a new one") is funny because it turns a personal, private matter into a democratic, military one. It highlights the assumed frugality and the implication that a group of soldiers are sharing a condom.
Key Elements:
- Scottish Stereotypes: Frugality, strong sense of community/regiment.
- Condom: The object of the joke, representing intimacy, risk, and in this case, extreme economy.
- Military Setting: Rigid structure, group decision-making, implied camaraderie.
- Elaborate Ritual: The slow, careful unveiling of the condom adds to the comedic timing and emphasizes the care put into its preservation.
Comedic Enrichment:
Now, let’s use those elements to create some related humor:
Option 1: Witty Observation
"You know, this joke really highlights the differences between armies. An American army unit would have taken out a loan for the newest model of…well, everything. A French army unit would have debated the philosophical implications of condom usage. But only a Scottish regiment would hold a formal vote on whether to patch or replace."
Option 2: "Did You Know" + Joke Variation
"Did you know that the oldest known condom, found in Dudley Castle and dating back to 1640, was made from animal intestine? Speaking of which, it explains why the Scottish soldier’s sporran was so heavy: he actually had a back-up made of Haggis…"
Option 3: New Joke
A Scottish economist is giving a lecture on responsible fiscal policy. He holds up a condom. "This," he declares, "is the ultimate exercise in cost-benefit analysis! You can spend a wee bit now…or you can spend a fortune for the next eighteen years!"
Option 4: Enhanced Observation:
"The real humor isn’t just that the regiment voted, but imagine the actual debate: ‘Right lads, points for the patch. We save four pence and preserve a piece of regimental history! Points against: Will it actually hold? Is it worth the risk of introducing a new generation of Scots bairns into the world? Alright, second this motion, who’s in favour?’"
Why these work:
- Option 1 builds on the initial joke by satirizing other nationalities’ stereotypes in comparison to the perceived Scottish frugality.
- Option 2 uses a historical fact to give the joke a slightly educational (and more absurd) twist, playing with the implied material used for the condom.
- Option 3 takes the theme of Scottish frugality and applies it to a different context, creating a new punchline.
- Option 4 focuses on the logistics of a group vote regarding intimate protection and builds a story around the original set up.
By dissecting the original joke and focusing on its core elements, we can create related humorous material that expands on the initial comedic premise. This goes beyond simple imitation and generates fresh humor from the same source material.