Confucius say…

Okay, here’s my attempt, riffing on the Confucius joke structure:

Joke Poo

Professor Plum says…

…person who hides magnifying glass and candlestick, always playing Clue.

…person who stirs the pot with poisoned dart, not a good houseguest.

…person who spills mustard gas in library, wakes up with Colonel Mustard’s regret.

…person with rope in the conservatory, feeling a bit tied up.

…person with rope and revolver in the conservatory, probably not planning a board game night.

Alright, let’s break down the "Confucius say…" joke format and then see what comedic alchemy we can perform.

Analysis of the "Confucius Say…" Jokes:

• Core Structure: The joke relies on a simple, predictable structure: "Confucius say…" followed by a pithy, supposedly wise, but ultimately absurd and often vulgar or suggestive statement.
• Misattribution & Stereotype: The humor stems from the deliberate misattribution of the saying to Confucius, a renowned philosopher known for his profound (and generally not vulgar) teachings. It leans into the old (and often considered offensive) stereotype of Asian accents, substituting "says" with "say."
• Misdirection: The audience anticipates wisdom, but receives a punchline that’s either sexually suggestive, scatological, or simply silly. The unexpected contrast is key.
• Play on Words/Double Entendre: The "wisdom" often hinges on a pun or double meaning, adding another layer to the humor.

Examples Breakdown:

• "…man who go through airport door sideways, always going to Bangkok." – Implies stereotype of Asian men acting lecherously toward (often underage) individuals.
• "…man who go up hill with young lady, not on level." – Wordplay on "level" as in both physical incline and moral standing.
• "…man who go to bed with itchy bum hole, wake up with smelly finger." – Scatological humor, playing on the consequence of an action.
• "…man with hole in trouser pocket, feel cocky all day." – Double entendre using "cocky" to mean both confident and referencing male genitalia.
• "…man with holes in two trouser pockets, not feel too cocky all day." – Extends the double entendre and suggests a loss of confidence due to the extended "exposure" of genitalia.

Now, let’s create some comedic enrichment based on this analysis:

1. The "Did You Know?" Enhancement:

"Did you know that while the ‘Confucius say…’ joke format is a persistent trope, Confucius himself likely never said anything like that? In fact, the Analects of Confucius, the primary source of his teachings, focus on virtues like filial piety, righteousness, and the importance of ritual. So, next time you hear a ‘Confucius say…’ joke, remember you’re participating in a long and glorious tradition of completely fabricating wisdom!"

2. The Modern Philosophical Twist:

"Nietzsche say… God is dead. Confucius say… Regardless, use hand sanitizer. Two opposing viewpoints, one shared concern for hygiene."

3. Meta-Joke:

"Confucius say… Man who explain joke too much, ruin joke. Man who analyze joke for comedic enrichment, unemployed."

4. The Unexpectedly Wholesome:

"Confucius say… Man who plant garden, reap happiness. Water your plants, everyone."

5. The Historical Irony:

"Confucius say… Man who criticize leader openly, invite punishment. Also Confucius say… Speak truth to power, even when unpopular. Life, like good fortune cookie, full of contradictory wisdom."

The goal is to either highlight the absurdity of the misattribution, play with the stereotype in a self-aware way, or create an amusing contrast with actual philosophical concepts. The humour comes from the unexpected turn or the contrast between the ‘wise’ persona and the ridiculous punchline.