Upon arriving home, a husband was urgently met at the door by his crying wife. Crashing into his arms she sobbed: "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
On the spot – the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology! Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist pleaded:
"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it… This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late for work. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window just to get my keys!
Then, driving a little too fast, I was granted a speeding ticket. Later, about three blocks from here, I caught a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people yelling for me to open up. I opened! And started waiting on these angry people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."
He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them tumbled to the floor and cracked wide open. Meanwhile, the darn phone is still ringing in my ear with no let up, and so I finally just yanked it off the cradle.
It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"
Okay, here’s my attempt at a “Joke Poo” version of the thermometer joke:
Joke Poo: Just Following Protocol
A seasoned astronaut, upon returning from a long mission to Mars, was immediately greeted by the furious head of NASA. “What in the blazes happened out there?! We’ve received a formal complaint from the Martian High Council!”
The astronaut, bewildered, stammered, “Sir, please, let me explain. It’s been a rough trip.”
The NASA head scoffed, “Rough trip? You caused an interstellar incident! The Martians are demanding reparations! Tell me everything!”
The astronaut sighed, “Well, the launch was delayed by a faulty sensor. Then, halfway to Mars, the coffee machine broke, and you know how I get without my coffee. We hit a meteoroid shower that nearly crippled the comms system. When we finally landed on Mars, the rover’s tires were flat, so we had to walk everywhere.”
He continued, “Then, the habitat module’s air conditioning unit decided to take a vacation to the Bermuda Triangle, leaving us sweating like marathon runners in a sauna. Resources were dwindling, and morale was dropping faster than a lead balloon. Then there was the Martian customs! Oh do they make you feel welcome.”
“One day,” he said, “We received a message from their Queen saying she was not feeling well. So, using the universal translator, I explained we had medical protocol that we had to follow no matter who the patient was. It involved some basic stuff such as taking vitals, so I had to ask her to remove all her clothing so I could get a stethoscope on her and listen for a heart beat.”
“And, honest, sir, all I did was follow protocol!“
Alright, let’s dissect this joke!
Key Elements:
- Setup: The elaborate series of unfortunate events happening to the pharmacist. This builds anticipation and excuses the impending rudeness.
- Misdirection: The husband’s anger and the assumption that the pharmacist did something truly awful. We are primed for a major offense.
- Punchline: The seemingly innocuous act of “just telling” the wife how to use a rectal thermometer. The humor comes from the implied, unspoken tone and delivery, which was clearly offensive enough to upset the wife. The contrast between the pharmacist’s hellish morning and his simple explanation creates comedic tension.
Humor Type: Situation Comedy, Irony, Unexpected Revelation, Potentially Dark/Adult Humor (depending on interpretation)
Now, let’s enrich it!
Here’s a “Did You Know?” style observation that plays off the joke:
Did you know? Rectal thermometers are actually considered the most accurate method of taking a temperature, especially for infants and young children? So, in a way, the pharmacist was providing sound medical advice! Perhaps it wasn’t what he said, but how he said it. Or maybe the real offense was assuming the wife couldn’t figure it out on her own. After the morning he had, his bedside manner was likely colder than the thermometer itself!
Here’s a slightly darker, more cynical take:
Pharmacists should know better. You NEVER just tell someone how to use a rectal thermometer. It requires at least a 15-minute, compassionate consultation, a pamphlet in three languages, and a coupon for a free ice pack. Otherwise, you’re practically begging for a malpractice lawsuit. It’s Healthcare 101!
And here’s a new joke playing off the same premise:
A man storms into a doctor’s office, fuming. “Doctor, my wife is furious with you! She said you were incredibly rude and unprofessional on the phone this morning!”
The doctor sighs, rubbing his temples. “Look, I had a terrible morning. The coffee machine exploded, my car got towed, and then I realized I’d accidentally worn mismatched shoes all the way to the hospital. When your wife called, I was already at my wit’s end.”
“So what did you say that was so offensive?” the man demands.
“She just wanted to know if she could use olive oil as a lubricant for… well, you know. All I said was, ‘While technically possible, I would strongly advise against serving her salad afterwards!'”