On his way home, he passes by the local pub every night.
Until recently, he would always stop and get drunk with the locals. So drunk that he would end up vomiting all over his shirt, every night.
This made his wife unhappy, as she was the person doing his laundry. He promised her that tonight would be different and he would come straight home after work without going to the pub.
As he approaches the pub, a few of his drinking buddies talk him into coming inside and drinking with them. He inevitably pukes on his shirt.
"I promised my wife I wouldn't get drunk and puke on myself again! What am I gonna do now?" Says the man.
His drunk friend comes up with a brilliant idea and puts a 10 dollar bill in the man's shirt pocket. "Just tell her I was the one who puked on you, and the money is to pay for dry cleaning!"
Satisfied with his friend's brilliant plan, the man continues to drink well into the night and stumbles home at 2am.
His wife immediately turns the lights on and sees him, covered in puke. "You promised you wouldn't do this again! I'm tired of washing your disgusting puke covered clothes!"
The man reaches into his pocket and hands her the money. "No, it was my friend who puked on me and he gave me ten dollars to cover the dry cleaning cost!"
"There's twenty dollars here" says the wife
"Yeah, he shit my pants too"
Joke Poo: The Babysitting Bandit
A frazzled dad is returning home from a long day at the office. Every week, he hires a teenager to babysit his kids while he runs errands.
Lately, though, the babysitters have been a nightmare. They’ve been leaving the house a complete disaster every time, with toys everywhere and food smeared on the walls. His wife is furious because she’s the one cleaning up after them. He promised her this time would be different; he hired a new babysitter who seemed responsible during the interview.
As he drives past his house, he sees the new babysitter out front, chatting with some friends. They convince him to come inside for “just a minute.” He ends up staying for hours and, fueled by youthful exuberance, makes a complete mess of the place playing video games with the teenager.
“I promised my wife the house wouldn’t be trashed! What am I going to do?” the dad exclaims, panicking.
The babysitter, ever resourceful, grabs a $20 bill from their own wallet. “Just tell her I made the mess, and this is for her trouble!”
Relieved, the dad goes home at midnight, the house a disaster zone.
His wife snaps on the lights, surveys the wreckage, and screams, “You promised me no mess this time! I am so tired of cleaning up after these teenagers!”
The dad pulls out the twenty. “No, no, it was the babysitter. They made the mess and gave me twenty bucks to make up for it!”
His wife glares at him. “There’s forty dollars here!”
The dad, looking sheepish, mumbles, “Yeah… they also gave the kids permanent markers.”
Okay, let’s dissect this joke and then elevate it with some comedic enrichment.
Joke Breakdown:
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Core Elements:
- Alcoholism/Problem Drinking: The man’s regular public house (pub) visits ending in drunkenness and vomiting are central.
- Marital Disharmony: The wife’s exasperation with the laundry burden is a key driver of the plot.
- Deception: The friend’s suggested alibi and the man’s attempt to use it.
- Escalating Absurdity: The punchline revealing the friend also defecated the man’s trousers.
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Humor Mechanism:
- Situational Irony: The attempt to avoid marital conflict backfires spectacularly.
- Bathos: The sudden, vulgar addition of the defecation element pulls the story down to a lowbrow, unexpected conclusion.
- Exaggeration: The level of inebriation and its consequences are over-the-top.
Comedic Enrichment:
Let’s focus on the element of the pub and the predictable routine. Consider this:
Tidbit: The average pub in the UK serves about 10,000 pints of beer per year. However, some of the oldest pubs, like Ye Olde Fighting Cocks in St. Albans, claim to have been around since the 8th century. If we conservatively estimated they served even a quarter of that average yearly pint amount throughout history, that’s still a LOT of pints!
New Joke/Observation:
A statistician walks into a pub. He orders a pint and notices a man sitting alone, clearly distressed. “Rough day?” the statistician asks.
“You wouldn’t believe it,” the man sighs. “I promised my wife I wouldn’t go to the pub tonight. Then, my friend spills beer all over me. When I returned, she smelled the alcohol and noticed there was a huge stain on my clothes.”
The statistician nods sympathetically. “That’s bad luck. How big was the stain?”
The man replies, “Well, statistically speaking, she says it’s about one ‘divorce-sized’ stain, give or take!”
Explanation:
- Focus: The “routine pub visit” element is preserved, adding a new ‘lying’ spin.
- Building off the element of ‘Deception’: The fact that the husband returns home with a stain to try and cover up the truth is relatable (and funny).
- Statistician Angle: Added a “statistician” character to make a silly pun that relates back to the original theme of alcohol.
- Punchline shift: The original “shit my pants too” punchline is too explicit for more sensitive audiences.
- “Divorce-Sized” Stain This is a silly phrase that brings a smile to the user’s face due to the absurd comparison.
- More Relatable: The beer stain vs the “puke” stain is more relatable for the audience.
This new joke maintains the themes of marital tension and the allure of the pub, but uses a different comedic approach, aiming for a clever, less vulgar punchline.