"You stupid cow, I’ll never set foot in here again! I’m reporting you to the manager — you’ll be fired, do you hear me?!"
He storms out of the store.
The man who just entered approaches the cashier. She quickly wipes her tears, forces a smile, and says:
"Good afternoon, how can I help you?"
The man asks if she needs help, but she insists she’s fine.
"Oh no, I’m fine, really. What would you like, sir?"
"Can I get an envelope, please?"
"Of course! What size? We have standard, large, small…"
"Just a regular one, please."
"And what color? Blue, yellow, red, white, green, orange…"
"Blue, please — but hurry, my bus is about to leave!"
"And which blue? Paris blue, light blue, navy, ocean blue…"
"Just any normal blue, but fast, please!"
"And what shape? We have heart-shaped, triangular, round…"
"A regular rectangle, please! The bus is leaving!"
She finally hands him a blue envelope.
"Here you go. Do you also need a stamp?"
"Yes, give me one quickly!"
"For domestic or international mail?"
"Domestic, please!"
"And what design? We have people, animals, landscapes, symbols…"
"Animals, please, but hurry!"
"Which animals? Mammals, birds, reptiles…"
"Birds!"
"Which kind of birds? Birds of prey, songbirds, migratory birds…"
"Birds of prey, quick!"
"We have eagle, hawk, vulture…"
"Eagle, hurry!"
"Golden eagle or bald eagle?"
"Golden eagle, just give it to me already!"
"Do you want the one flying, feeding its chicks, or sitting in the nest?"
"Flying, please, just flying!"
"Flying over a canyon or flying over the sea?"
"ANY! JUST GIVE ME ONE NOW!"
At that exact moment, the furious customer from earlier storms back in, holding a piece of poop in his hand. He slams it on the counter and yells:
"I need toilet paper for this exact shit!"
Joke Poo: The Algorithm
A programmer walks into a tech support office. Inside, a technician is visibly stressed, surrounded by flashing monitors, while another user is berating her.
“This is garbage! Your algorithm crashed my entire system! I’m reporting you to the team lead – you’ll be reprimanded, you hear me?!”
He storms out of the office.
The programmer approaches the technician. She sighs deeply, forces a digital smile on her AI avatar, and says:
“Welcome to Tech Support. How can I assist you?”
The programmer offers to help, but the technician insists she’s fine.
“Oh, no problem. What’s your request ID, please?”
“I just need a random number.”
“Of course! What range? We have 1-10, 1-100, 1-1000…”
“Just between 1 and 2, please.”
“And what distribution? Uniform, Normal, Exponential…”
“Uniform, please – but quickly, my code is waiting!”
“And what data type? Integer, Float, Double…”
“Integer, please! The code is compiling!”
“And what language? Python, Java, C++…”
“C++! But hurry!”
“And what compiler? GCC, Clang, Visual Studio…”
“GCC, just give me the number!”
“And which version? GCC 9, GCC 10, GCC 11…”
“The latest! Just run the function!”
“With or without optimizations? -O0, -O1, -O2, -O3…”
“Without, just run it!”
“Debug mode or Release mode?”
“RELEASE! NOW!”
“And what operating system? Windows, Mac, Linux…”
“LINUX!”
“And what Kernel? 5.15, 5.16, 5.17…”
“JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN NUMBER!”
At that exact moment, the furious user from earlier bursts back in, holding a USB drive. He slams it on the desk and yells:
“I need an error message that accurately describes this!”
Alright, let’s dissect this joke and then make it funnier.
Analysis:
- Core Concept: The humor lies in the extreme contrast between the cashier’s recent distress and her robotic, almost obsessive commitment to customer service. She avoids dealing with her emotions by hyper-focusing on the minute details of the transaction, driving the customer (and the audience) to absurdity and frustration.
- Key Elements:
- The Setup: A clearly distraught cashier facing a terrible customer encounter.
- The Incongruity: The cashier’s unwavering, excessively detailed customer service following the outburst.
- Escalation: The situation builds as the cashier continues to offer an overwhelming amount of choices.
- The Payoff: The original angry customer returns with a “shit”uation only the cashier can handle
Factoids to Enhance the Humor (related to the elements):
- Customer Service Psychology: Research shows that some customer service training does emphasize asking clarifying questions to avoid assumptions. The joke exaggerates this to a ridiculous degree.
- Envelope Types: There are actually a vast number of envelope types beyond “standard, large, small.” There are specific envelopes for everything from wedding invitations to x-rays.
- Stamp Designs: The US Postal Service has released stamps commemorating everything from Sesame Street characters to succulents. The level of detail mentioned in the joke isn’t entirely far-fetched.
Now, let’s enhance the humor with a continuation of the joke:
New Joke Structure:
Building upon the cashier’s meticulous nature, we’ll take the customer’s reaction to the extreme and turn it into a similar situation.
New Joke:
(Following the original joke’s punchline, where the angry customer slams the poop on the counter)
The cashier, without blinking, says, “Certainly, sir! We strive to meet the specific needs of all our customers. Could you please tell me a bit about this sample? What is the source of the sample? Was it solid? Semi-solid? Is there undigested food? Is there blood? Is there mucus? What size and type of paper is most suitable, depends largely on your sample and it’s purpose.”
The furious customer stares at her, dumbfounded. “Just…just the cheapest stuff you’ve got!”
The cashier smiles brightly. “Excellent choice! However, even our economy-grade toilet paper comes in several variations! Do you prefer single-ply, known for its minimalist approach, or double-ply, offering a touch more luxury? And regarding texture: smooth, quilted, or ripple? Each provides a distinct cleansing experience. Are you sensitive to any perfumes or dyes? Perhaps something hypoallergenic would be more beneficial for your particular situation.”
The customer, now completely defeated, whispers “Doesn’t matter. Just…give it to me.”
The cashier raises an eyebrow. “Excellent!” she exclaims. “However, before I can proceed, I will need to see your customer loyalty card. Do you wish to apply for one? If so, you will get 20% off of all our Toilet Paper products after you have purchased 10 rolls!”