The monsignor gave him a bit of advice. "Just take some vodka up in your water glass and take a sip when you're nervous". So the priest did just that. He had a fair few sips but seemed to get through it alright with confidence to spare. After mass he asked the monsignor how he did. The monsignor replied, "You didn't seem nervous at all but there are a few things, though. There are ten commandments; not twelve. And twelve apostles; not ten. We say that David slew Goliath; not that he kicked the shit out of him. Jesus said 'take this and eat'; not 'eat me'. And as for the announcements, there's a taffy pull at Saint Peter's".
Joke Poo: The Tech Support Call
A newly certified IT technician was fielding his first call on the help desk and was incredibly anxious. His senior colleague gave him some advice: "Just keep a stress ball under your desk and squeeze it whenever you get overwhelmed."
The technician did just that, squeezing that ball relentlessly. He made it through the call, feeling strangely assertive. Afterwards, he asked his colleague how he did.
The colleague replied, "You didn’t seem nervous at all, but there are a few things. It’s a ‘router,’ not a ‘rooter-tooter.’ We ask if they’ve ‘tried turning it off and on again,’ not ‘beaten it with a hammer until it complies.’ The problem is typically between the chair and the keyboard, not ‘a complete and utter user-induced catastrophe.’ And regarding the email you sent to the entire company, we’re having a performance review next week, not a ‘company-wide blame game extravaganza.’"
Okay, let’s break down this joke and then build something new!
Joke Dissection:
- Core Concept: A newly ordained priest is nervous about delivering his first mass.
- Comedic Device: The monsignor’s advice (secretly drinking vodka) leads to the priest’s overconfidence and a series of increasingly inappropriate and hilarious misstatements of religious doctrine and traditions.
- Key Elements:
- Nervousness/Inexperience: The priest’s initial anxiety.
- Vodka: The source of the priest’s courage (and subsequent errors).
- Religious Mishaps: The increasingly absurd theological/historical inaccuracies and vulgar phrasings.
- Taffy Pull: The final, innocent miscommunication that still feels out of place due to the context.
- Humor Style: Observational, situational, and relies on the contrast between the sacredness of the setting and the profane results of the vodka. Also, a bit of incongruity, as we don’t expect a priest to be this ‘loose’ or misremember basic facts.
Enrichment & New Humor:
Let’s focus on the vodka aspect and religious history for a "Did You Know?" style observation and a new joke:
"Did You Know?" Observation:
"Vodka, that magical elixir of confidence (and potential theological chaos, as we’ve seen). Fun fact: while often associated with Russia, the word ‘vodka’ actually derives from the Slavic word ‘voda’ meaning water. So, technically, the priest was just adding a bit of extra ‘voda’ to his holy water. Perhaps that’s why his pronouncements flowed so freely… and so inaccurately."
New Joke, Focusing on Historical Accuracy with a twist:
A historian is giving a lecture on the life of Moses. "And so, as the ancient texts tell us, Moses led his people out of Egypt. He parted the Red Sea with a wave of his staff. A truly inspiring and accurate retelling of biblical history, verified by the most reliable and verifiable sources."
A student raises their hand, "Professor, I read somewhere that the staff was actually a swizzle stick, and the Red Sea was a giant Cosmopolitan."
The historian sighs, "Look, the Egyptians were really good at cocktail parties back then. But we don’t want to confuse the Sunday School kids."