Did you know that the sperm cells of a whale are amongst the largest of all animals? It's true. Each individual cell is about the size of a minnow and can swim twice as fast!
So, I bet you're wondering, what happens when a whale jerks off? Do these critters become part of the surrounding ecosystem?
Well, no…
In fact, they usually die pretty quickly if not inside another whale's pussy. BUT, if the right conditions exist, the sperm CAN survive in the open water, if only for a few hours.
Anyway, one day when Willy the whale was feeling extra horny, he decided to bust a nut over by the hydrothermal vents. He rubbed his whale cock on the coral reef (this feels good to whales) and busted in no time (he swears he usually lasts much longer). Once the deed had been done, Willy moved on with his day with not a thought more. What he didn't realize was that the water temperature, and salinity levels by the hydrothermal vents were in just the right conditions for one of his sperm cells to gain consciousness and start to explore the surrounding area.
As a newly conscious being, he was confused as to where he was, WHO he was, and frankly why did he exist in the first place? He ventured along until he came upon a group of three crabs, seated atop a bright magenta table coral.
"Hi" said the whale sperm.
The crabs stopped their conversation and looked over at the sperm, who was floating in the open water in front of them.
"…Hey" the first crab said.
"Do you know where we are?" asked the whale sperm.
"The ocean… duh." said the second crab.
"Yeah, duh!" said the third crab.
"My apologies! I've only existed for a mere 5 minutes, so I don't know much of anything!" said the whale sperm.
"Ahhh I've seen this before," the first crab said as he turned towards the other two, "What we've got here is a whale sperm. His father must've jerked off by the hydrothermal vents and abandoned him."
"Whale sperm? Don't you mean sperm whale?" said the second crab.
"No, no. He's right," said the third crab, "If a whale jerks off and the conditions are just right, their sperm can survive for a few hours in the open water."
"So I only have a few hours to live???" exclaimed the whale sperm, visibly panicked, "I just got here!!"
"Yep, hate to break it to ya, but technically, you shouldn't even exist in the first place! So, just consider yourself lucky you even get to experience life, even for a bit!" said the first crab.
"I guess that's a valid point." Said the whale sperm. "Still, I'd like to know who I am… I don't even a have a name! My dirty rotten bastard whale father left me before I was even a twinkle in his eye."
"Technically you're the bastard" said the second crab.
"Also he left you just after you ceased to be a twinkle in his eye" said the third crab.
"Right… right…" said the whale sperm, "Well, I still don't have a name. Can you name me?"
All three crabs looked at each other apprehensively, but felt bad for the little sperm. The least they could do was give him a name before his short time on this earth was over.
"Alright, we'll give you a name, but give us a sec to think on it." said the first crab.
They huddled up and deliberated for 5 sea minutes (equivalent to 6 land minutes).
"Ok, I think we've got it!" said the second crab.
"By the powers vested in us, we declare you…. SPERMY!" said the third crab.
The whale sperm thought for a second. This was his only chance at having a name, and they chose something so… on the nose. It almost felt insulting. Like they hardly put any thought into it! But what was the use in debating them, they were the only ones he knew, and his first ever friends! It should be an honor to receive a name from them, no matter what. He almost felt ashamed for even thinking ill of them.
"Well, what do you think?" all three crabs said in unison.
"Guys, it's been truly an honor to have this name bestowed on me. These past few minutes have been the best time of my life! I've laughed… I've cried… heck, I've gone through all five stages of grief! I just want you to know you're the best friends a little sperm like me ever could have. I love the name! I'll wear it proud! Thank you! Thank you!"
"You're whale-cum!" replied the crabs.
Joke Poo: The Lost Liver Cell
Did you know that liver cells are incredibly resilient, even when detached from the organ? Each little cell contains all the instructions necessary to proliferate and form a whole new liver, given the right conditions!
So, naturally, you’re thinking, what happens when someone has a really rough night of drinking? Do these cells just join the wastewater treatment plant’s ecosystem?
Well, mostly, yes…
In fact, they usually break down pretty quickly if not inside a body. BUT, if the right conditions exist, the cells CAN survive in a culture, if only for a few days.
Anyway, one Saturday night, after a particularly raucous bachelor party, Brad puked over the toilet. He passed out, completely unaware that the swirling cocktail of stomach contents, bile, and partially digested pizza was, in fact, a bustling metropolis of cellular life. One of these liver cells, let’s call him Liverty, was thrust into the sewer system, alone and confused.
As a newly dislodged cell, he was disoriented as to where he was, WHO he was, and frankly why did he exist in the first place? He was swept along until he washed up on a discarded beer can, the domain of a particularly grizzled and world-weary rat.
"Well, well, well, what have we here?" the rat squeaked, his whiskers twitching.
Liverty, still reeling, could only manage, "Where am I?"
"The sewer, kid. Welcome to Flavortown, population: rats, roaches, and the occasional regret."
"Sewer? Regret? I don’t understand. I just remember…vodka, and karaoke…" Liverty trailed off, overwhelmed.
The rat chuckled, a dry, rasping sound. "Vodka, eh? I know your kind. Tiny building blocks of broken promises. You’re a liver cell, ain’t ya? Probably got puked up by some idiot who thought he could handle ten shots."
Liverty blinked, trying to focus. "I… I think so? A liver cell? So, what do I do?"
"Do? Nothing. You’re a goner. Without your organ, you’re as good as worm food. Enjoy the view, kid, because it ain’t gonna last long."
Liverty’s nucleus felt a jolt of panic. "But… but I’m a liver cell! I have the potential to be part of something bigger, something amazing! A whole liver! I just need the right environment!"
The rat laughed again, even louder this time. "A whole liver? In the sewer? You’ve got a good imagination, kid. I’ll give you that. Look around, what are you expecting, a nice warm bath? Here you can expect nothing but disappointment."
A tear welled up and slowly flowed down Liverty’s cellular surface.
"I will prove it" Liverty declared. "I will prove that with the right conditions a whole liver can grow here."
The rat laughed yet again. "I guess you just want to give me a funny story to tell the other rats"
"I will" Liverty boldly declared.
"Well then," said the rat, "In honor of your bravery to chase your dreams, I shall knight you."
The rat lifted his scepter.
"By the power vested in me by the city below us. I name thee……..
LIV!"
Alright, let’s dive into this oceanic jest!
Joke Dissection:
- Premise: The joke starts with a pseudo-scientific fact (whale sperm size) and then imagines a scenario where a conscious whale sperm exists briefly outside a whale’s body.
- Character: We have "Willy the Whale," the crabs, and the sentient whale sperm, "Spermy."
- Humor Style: The humor is based on absurdity, personification of a sperm cell, and wordplay ("whale-cum"). There’s also a touch of existential humor in the sperm’s short, confused existence.
- Punchline: The punchline is a pun: "You’re whale-cum!" which is both a greeting and a reference to the origin of the sperm.
Key Elements for Enrichment:
- Whale Sperm Size: Fact is used as a springboard for the joke.
- Hydrothermal Vents: Specific location where the sperm is "born."
- Existential Questioning: Sperm’s philosophical ponderings.
- Crab Dialogue: Three crabs act as a comedic chorus.
- Pun: The concluding "whale-cum" pun.
Comedic Enrichment (Joke Enhancement):
Let’s play on the hydrothermal vent location and the sperm’s existential crisis.
New Joke/Witty Observation:
Did you know that some scientists believe that life on Earth may have originated near hydrothermal vents, similar to the ones in the joke? So, Spermy wasn’t just having an existential crisis, he was potentially reliving the very dawn of life… but with a much shorter warranty. It’s like a really, really rushed origin story, except instead of single-celled organisms forming life, it’s a single cell wishing it was already inside a whale.
This new "joke" leverages the factual basis of hydrothermal vent origins to add another layer of absurdity and meta-humor to the original concept. It exaggerates the sperm’s role into the origin of all life, contrasting it to its own fleeting existence.