Farmer Ted Has 3 Hens and 4 Cocks

The odds were stacked against Farmer Ted. Growing up in the grand old city of New York, Farmer Ted (well, at the time, just Ted) didn't know the damnest thing about farmin'. He didn't know how to plow, how to spread his seed, or how to sustain animal life. But if there's one thing Farmer Ted did know, it was that he had a dream.

Living in the cramped conditions of his Harlem apartment, Farmer Ted knew that there was more to life than the hustle and bustle of the big city. The crowded roads, the smoggy, polluted air, the drunk and disorderlies. He yearned for the wide open field of his ancestors and the chance to work off the land, to make a name for himself.

So one day, it was really a day like any other, Farmer Ted woke up, removed his night clothing and applied his underwear onto his emaciated frame. He then put on one sock, and then the other sock. Then he put his pants on one leg at a time, threw on his flannel shirt, and left his apartment. But when he got outside, he was hit with an overwhelming sense of malaise and existential dread. What was he doing in his life? Why was he in such pain? Why was this all that life had to offer? Well, Farmer Ted had just about had enough of that and decided the time was right.

He packed his bags, cancelled his lease, scraped together every last dime he had, and moved to the small farming town of New Paltz, New York. With his meagre savings, he was able to afford a small –bushel– parcel of land, 3 hens and 4 cocks and enough feed to sustain his flock until next Spring.

Now, Farmer Ted, as mentioned, didn't know a hell of a lot about farming. But he worked hard, cared for his animals well, and tended the fields. By the next year, he was able to work his way up to a larger parcel of land. To his surprise, when Ted was looking for an egg to eat, he found minor eggshell crumbs leading to a small corner, and in it, a newly hatched baby chick.

Farmer Ted was the first thing that Chick ever laid eyes upon, and Ted, having remembered how baby goslings imprint on the first thing they see, imagined the same was true of chickens. So he took the chick and named it Molly.

Ted treated Molly less like a farm animal and more like a pet. They were inseparable. Molly followed Ted around the farm, and with time, she grew. Ted ensured Molly got the best food, the freshest water, and even let her sleep in his house.

However, two years later, Molly fell ill. The symptoms were dire. She was vomiting up food, shivering and weak in the legs. The situation left Farmer Ted with no choice: he had to return to where it all began.

Now, NYC is home to some of the greatest animal hospitals in the world, and Ted was not going to settle for anything shy of the best for Molly. He took her to a sprawling emergency vet with Harvard-educated veterinarians and leading animal psychologists.

Molly was taken into the care of the best doctors, and Ted waited, distraught, in the lobby. This caught the attention of one of the nearby animal psychologists, who sat down.

"What's wrong, my fine fellow?" The psychologist asked.

"My chicken… she's, she's dying." Farmer Ted replied.

"Come, walk with me." The psychologist answered.

While the psychologist and Ted went for a walk, a miracle happened – Molly recovered – and like a jet, she went racing for the door, wings fluttering.

As it so happened, across from the hospital, Ted and the Psychologist were sitting drinking coffees, when they saw Molly dashing through traffic towards them. Thankfully, the hen was safe, but instead of returning to Farmer Ted, she went racing off into the street looking for worms.

Now, this broke Farmer Ted. He saw Molly as his pet, his friend, even as a somewhat surrogate daughter. He turned to the Psychologist and muttered:

"I don't understand, Molly she… was imprinted on me. Why would she do this?"

"Oh, chickens don't imprint. That's a common misconception." The psychologist replied.

Farmer Ted ruminated on this for a second, and then added: "But, it doesn't make sense. She loved me, she followed me everywhere, hell, she came darting towards us just minute ago. Why on earth would a chicken cross the road?"

"Simple," replied the psychologist, "to get to the other side."