While visiting Australia, I heard people talking about the legendary Foo bird. I asked a local about it and he took me out in the bush near a great river, where a large crowd had gathered in hopes of a sighting.
Then, off in the distance could be heard a loud rush of sound, “foo…foo…foo.” Looking up, we saw a massive bird, larger than any I had ever seen, flying overhead.
Suddenly, the bird let out a huge streak of bird poop, which landed squarely on one unfortunate man. He immediately jumped in the river to wash it off, then keeled over dead.
The bird made a second pass, “foo…foo…foo”, this time pooping on a middle-aged woman. She, too, jumped in the river, washed off the poop and fell dead.
To one side, I noticed a strange looking and horribly foul smelling man, shaking his head.
Then the bird made a third pass, “foo…foo…foo”, and this time when he pooped, it landed on a young teenaged boy. He also jumped in the river, washed himself, and died.
I noticed the strange old man shake his head sadly. I went over to him, fighting against gagging from the awful stench emanating from the old guy.
That bird’s poop must be terribly poisonous for people to die so quickly after being pooped on, I said. The old man shook his head and said. “No, it is not the poop that kills them, it is the washing. I was pooped on many years ago and never washed it off. In fact, I’ve been pooped on many times over the years, and I am still alive.”
I asked him what then is the secret. He looked around giggled, and whispered, “If the foo shits, wear it!”
Joke Poo: The Accountant’s Audit
I was at a tech conference when I heard whispers about the legendary Account-a-tron 5000 auditing software. I cornered a developer who claimed to know all about it. He took me to a small back room where a group of accountants huddled nervously around a server rack.
Suddenly, the server hummed, and we heard a loud whirring sound, “Audit…Audit…Audit…” The lights flickered as the Account-a-tron 5000 began its assessment.
Without warning, the software spat out a massive error report, landing squarely on one unfortunate intern. He immediately started recalculating his spreadsheets, then fainted dead away.
The server whirred again, “Audit…Audit…Audit…” This time, the error report landed on a middle-aged CFO. She, too, started revising financial statements and then collapsed.
I noticed an older, disheveled accountant in the corner, shaking his head with a knowing look.
The server made a third pass, “Audit…Audit…Audit…” This time when it spat out the error report, it landed on a young, eager CPA. He started crunching numbers faster than anyone had ever seen, and promptly passed out.
I went over to the disheveled accountant. That error report must be incredibly damaging to cause people to collapse so quickly, I said. The old accountant shook his head. “No,” he said. “It’s not the report, it’s the recalculating. I was hit by the Account-a-tron years ago, and I never bothered fixing anything. In fact, I’ve been audited many times over the years, and I’m still here.”
I asked him what, then, was the secret. He leaned in and whispered, “If the Audit spits, ignore it!”
Alright, let’s dissect this “Foo Bird” joke.
Joke Deconstruction:
- Setup: A traveler in Australia is introduced to the legend of the Foo Bird, creating anticipation and a sense of exotic danger.
- Development: The Foo Bird appears, accompanied by its distinctive “foo…foo…foo” sound, which is inherently silly and adds to the comedic tone. The bird then proceeds to poop on people, setting up the central conflict.
- Twist/Punchline: The seemingly deadly bird poop is revealed to be harmless; the actual killer is the act of washing it off. This subverts expectations and delivers the absurd “If the foo shits, wear it!” punchline. The punchline is funny because it flies in the face of every hygienic instinct and the seriousness of the scene.
- Key Elements:
- The Foo Bird: A mythical, scatological creature.
- Australia: Exotic location contributing to the tall tale feel.
- The Poop: The catalyst for the deaths and central to the humor.
- The Washing: The unexpected cause of death.
- The Old Man: The smelly, disgusting and wise, bearer of the knowledge.
- Subverted Expectations: The core of the joke’s humor.
Comedic Enrichment:
Let’s play off the idea of bizarre animal habits and questionable advice:
New Joke:
I saw a documentary about the “Goblin Shark”. Apparently, they launch their jaws forward to catch prey in a truly terrifying way. I asked my marine biologist friend if he had any advice for avoiding becoming Goblin Shark lunch.
He thought for a moment, then said, “If the Goblin jaws, pause.”
Puzzled, I asked “Pause? Is that some kind of counter-attack I’m supposed to do?”
He shook his head. “No, it means you’re already screwed. Pause and reflect on your life choices that led you to this moment. Maybe you’ll have a funny anecdote to tell if you miraculously survive.”
Explanation of the New Joke:
- Plays on the Structure: Similar to the original joke, this new joke sets up an expectation of helpful advice in a dangerous situation, then subverts it with a darkly comedic, utterly useless suggestion.
- Replaces elements: The “Foo Bird” is replaced with an equally strange and frightening creature.
- Humor from the Absurd: The idea of pausing to reflect when facing imminent death is inherently absurd and funny.
Did You Know? – Related to Bird Poop (Guano):
Did you know that guano (dried bird poop) was a major economic driver in the 19th century? It was so valuable as a fertilizer that islands rich in guano deposits were fiercely contested. Wars were even fought over it! So, while the “Foo Bird” joke might be about avoiding bird poop, history shows that some people were willing to kill for it. Which makes the “If the Foo Shits, Wear It!” advice even more strangely compelling.
Explanation:
- Connects to Original Joke: This tidbit directly relates to the poop element of the joke.
- Juxtaposition: It creates humor by contrasting the absurd scenario in the joke with the real-world historical importance of bird poop.
- Darkly Humorous: It adds a layer of dark humor to think that the joke is about avoiding something some people had to kill for.
Alternative: “Did You Know” based on real-life bird defense mechanisms.
Did you know some birds feign injury to distract predators from their nests? Imagine the Foo Bird taking that to the extreme. Instead of pretending to have a broken wing, it just… poops on you. Then, knowing its poop is harmless, it flies away cackling, leaving you to wonder if you’ve been outsmarted by a glorified pigeon with a superiority complex and questionable gas.
This variation leans more heavily into the absurd image of the Foo Bird as a strategic and arrogant pooper.