Long but worth the read.
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy…
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting – So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
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CHILI # 1 – MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
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CHILI # 2 – ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
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CHILI # 3 – FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
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CHILI # 4 – BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
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CHILI # 5 – LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive!
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage; Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
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CHILI # 6 – VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
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CHILI # 7 – SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
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CHILI # 8 – Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
FRANK: (Not available for comment.)
Joke Poo: Gary and the Wine Tasting
Based on Frank and the Chili Cook-off
“I was unexpectedly asked to be a judge at a local wine tasting. The head judge got a sudden case of the hiccups, and since I was lingering near the cheese table asking about the Brie, I was volunteered. The other two judges, seasoned sommeliers, assured me the wines wouldn’t be too challenging… besides, they said I could have unlimited crackers.”
Here are the scorecards from the event:
WINE #1 – Chateau de Merlot Mayhem
JUDGE ONE: Slightly oaky, a hint of cherry. Pleasant.
JUDGE TWO: Fruity notes, balanced tannins. Very approachable.
GARY: Tastes like concentrated cough syrup laced with old shoe leather. Needed three crackers to kill the aftertaste. Hope this isn’t a sign of what’s to come. These wine snobs are weird.
WINE #2 – Pinot Noir Nightmare
JUDGE ONE: Earthy with subtle mushroom tones. Decent finish.
JUDGE TWO: Bold flavor, needs a little more time to breathe.
GARY: Swallowing battery acid would be more palatable. I can’t discern any flavors beyond “burn.” I almost spat it out on the fancy rug but managed to swallow it. Had to sneak another cracker from the cheese plate because the server wasn’t looking.
WINE #3 – Zinfandel Zombie Apocalypse
JUDGE ONE: Full-bodied, intense blackberry notes. Needs decanting.
JUDGE TWO: Complex layers of dark fruit, well-structured.
GARY: My teeth feel fuzzy, and I think my gums are receding. My nose is picking up hints of something that died in a dumpster. Managed to choke it down, but now the room is starting to spin. One of the sommeliers gave me a weird look as I ate 5 crackers in rapid succession.
WINE #4 – Chardonnay Catastrophe
JUDGE ONE: Buttery, smooth, with a hint of vanilla. Classic.
JUDGE TWO: Crisp acidity, elegant finish. A delightful expression of Chardonnay.
GARY: Is it possible to have your taste buds spontaneously combust? I swear I tasted vinegar mixed with motor oil. Sally, the server, is starting to look blurry… and is that cheese plate shimmering? Is wine an hallucinogenic?
WINE #5 – Riesling Ruin
JUDGE ONE: Sweet, floral aromas. Well-balanced acidity.
JUDGE TWO: Delicate notes of honey and apricot. Refreshing.
GARY: My ears are buzzing, my vision is going in and out, and I’m pretty sure I just complimented a potted plant on its “complex bouquet.” I accidentally called one of the judges “Mommy.” I may have also just sneezed crackers across the table.
WINE #6 – Cabernet Sauvignon Calamity
JUDGE ONE: Robust tannins, rich cassis flavors. Needs aging.
JUDGE TWO: A powerful wine with a long, lingering finish. Excellent potential.
GARY: My brain has checked out and gone on vacation. I think I just started reciting poetry to Sally the server. I asked her if she wanted to elope to the vineyard. Is that a flock of pink elephants dancing on the table? I need a palate cleanser of bleach.
WINE #7 – Pinot Grigio Pitfall
JUDGE ONE: Light-bodied, crisp, with a citrusy finish.
JUDGE TWO: A simple wine, perfect for a summer afternoon.
GARY: I’ve lost the ability to speak in coherent sentences. I’m pretty sure I just offered the other judges my socks. I think one of my eyes is twitching. My shirt is covered in cracker crumbs, and I believe I’m now humming the theme song to a children’s show.
WINE #8 – Ice Wine Implosion
JUDGE ONE: Exquisite sweetness, balanced by a refreshing acidity. A perfect ending.
JUDGE TWO: A truly memorable dessert wine. Rich, complex flavors. So Sad to see Judge #3 slide down the table to the floor
GARY: (Unconscious, face down in the cheese platter. Bubbles coming from nose.)
Okay, here’s a breakdown of the “Frank and the Chili Cook-off” joke, followed by a new comedic take inspired by it.
Joke Dissection:
- Core Premise: A naive outsider (Frank) agrees to judge a chili cook-off in Texas, believing it won’t be too spicy and that the free beer will help. He’s hilariously, and increasingly painfully, wrong.
- Humor Source: The escalating hyperbole of Frank’s reactions to each chili. The contrast between the other judges’ mild comments and Frank’s extreme descriptions. The physical comedy implied (sweat, screaming, accidents, passing out). The sheer absurdity of the chili’s effects. The escalation of his internal (and external) suffering to increasingly absurd heights.
- Key Elements:
- Texas Chili Cook-off: Sets the scene. Texas is known for its love of chili (often without beans).
- Naive Outsider: Frank is the “fish out of water” character.
- Exaggerated Reactions: The engine of the humor.
- Free Beer: A motivator that becomes a necessity.
- The Barmaid (Sally): An evolving element, initially just a beer provider, later a perceived object of affection due to Frank’s impaired state.
- Texan bravado vs. Frank’s wimpy perspective The other judges seem unfazed by the heat, contrasting Frank and amplifying his suffering.
Factual/Interesting Tidbits to Leverage:
- Scoville Scale: The Scoville scale measures the “heat” of chili peppers, based on the concentration of capsaicinoids. Ghost peppers, habaneros, and Scotch bonnets rank extremely high, while bell peppers are at zero. The hottest chili is the Carolina Reaper.
- Capsaicin’s Effects: Capsaicin isn’t just a taste; it binds to pain receptors. High doses can cause all sorts of unpleasant reactions, including vomiting, diarrhea, and temporary blindness. Capsaicin creams are also used to help with arthritis and muscle pain.
- Texas Chili Culture: Texas chili is very particular and has strong rules about what counts as “real” chili.
- The Heimlich maneuver Often incorrectly performed, the Heimlich maneuver is an important life skill that can assist someone in choking.
- Capsaicin and Aphrodisiacs: There’s some (limited) evidence suggesting capsaicin can increase heart rate and endorphin release, which might contribute to feelings of arousal in some individuals. But mostly it just burns.
New Comedic Creation (Witty Observation):
“Frank’s experience at the chili cook-off proves one thing: Texas chili is not just a food, it’s a performance art piece designed to test the limits of human endurance. The Scoville scale doesn’t measure heat, it measures how quickly you start questioning your life choices. The other judges probably had developed capsaicin immunity after a childhood of chili suppository experimentation. And as for Frank thinking the barmaid was suddenly attractive? That wasn’t an aphrodisiac; that was his brain begging for any kind of positive sensation to distract from the inferno raging in his digestive system.”
New Joke Inspired by the Original:
Why did Frank start taking notes during the autopsy of the chili cook-off?
!He heard “capsaicin resistant” was a hot new job skill on LinkedIn and he wanted to know exactly how he died so he can add to his resume.!<