Bob stepped forward. “I think I qualify.”
“Go on,” said St. Peter.
Bob sighed. “It was an ordinary Saturday. I was watching TV while my lovely wife napped when my phone buzzed — a text from my neighbour, Jim.”
He pulled out an imaginary phone and read:
“Bob, I’m so sorry. I’ve been riddled with guilt. I have to confess: I’ve been helping myself to your wife day and night when you’re not home — more than you, honestly. I don’t get that kind of connection at home, but that’s no excuse.”
St. Peter raised an eyebrow. Bob continued:
“First it was just me, but I was so impressed I invited my cousin. Then, last weekend, we threw a party — ten of my closest friends were on your wife too… she never slowed down! I can’t live with the guilt. I hope you’ll accept a modest offer: ten bucks a month for shared access — with your blessing.”
“I was enraged,” Bob said. “I rushed to the bedroom where my wife was sleeping, blood pumping and about to have a stroke, when suddenly another message came in:”
“Damn spell-check! I meant Wi-Fi!”
“I barely had a moment to catch my breath when yet another ping arrived:”
“While I’m confessing, I also nailed your wife before your big day.”
“That was it — I couldn’t take any more. My heart gave out. As my soul hovered over my body, I saw one last message pop up:”
“Ugh! Autocorrect again! I emailed your wife about your birthday!”
Joke Poo: The Vet’s Waiting Room
Heaven’s animal wing was overflowing with pets, so St. Francis gathered the recent arrivals and declared, “Only those who suffered the most ridiculous end get immediate entry. The rest go to the ‘Almost Heaven’ waiting area.”
Sparky, a golden retriever, bounded forward. “I think I qualify, sir!”
“Alright, Sparky, enlighten us,” St. Francis chuckled.
Sparky wagged his tail. “It was a typical Tuesday. I was chewing my favorite squeaky toy while my human, Dave, was busy on a Zoom call. Suddenly, my tummy rumbled! It must have been that plate of tacos Dave forgot to put away!”
St. Francis nodded, encouraging Sparky to continue.
“So, I did what any self-respecting dog would do: I bolted for the backyard! I was racing towards my favorite patch of grass when my nose caught a familiar smell. It smelled like heaven! Like dirt from the woods behind the house and… poop?! And it smelled like it was buried deep.”
St. Francis leaned forward, intrigued.
“It had to be there. So I started digging! Head first, paws flying, I was determined to sniff out this buried treasure when Dave finally shouted from the porch: ‘Sparky! No! Don’t dig there!’
I was so focused on the smell that I ignored Dave’s command and plunged deeper into the hole. Then, it happened, my head reached the bottom of the hole and I finally sniffed the treasure but it also filled my nose and mouth. I was so excited that I wagged my tail with such force that I knocked myself unconscious!”
St. Francis looked on with growing interest.
“And as I slipped into the animal afterlife, I finally understood what was there. You see, Dave had just buried that treasure. The smell came from Dave’s mom’s favorite flower, which had just died. And to make that soil extra rich, you know… “
“Ah, the manure! Tragic, indeed! You may pass, Sparky,” St. Francis sighed.
Alright, let’s dissect this joke and then cook up some comedic additions!
Joke Analysis:
- Core Premise: A man believes he qualifies for immediate entry to Heaven due to tragic death circumstances, involving a string of increasingly absurd autocorrect mishaps.
- Humor Source: The humor derives from the unexpected twists and turns, the escalation of the neighbor’s “confession,” and the reliance on autocorrect failures to create a ridiculous misunderstanding. It’s a classic bait-and-switch setup, playing on jealousy and then delivering a mundane explanation. The “triple tap” of autocorrect failures further amps up the absurdity.
- Key Elements:
- Autocorrect: The linchpin of the joke.
- Misunderstanding: The foundation for the comedic tension.
- Jealousy/Marital Infidelity: Used as the initial “hook” to grab attention and set up the misdirection.
- Irony: Dying of a heart attack based on a ridiculous misunderstanding.
Comedic Enrichment & Joke Generation:
Let’s focus on Autocorrect as our area to play with. Here’s a new joke idea incorporating a related observation:
New Joke Idea:
A man’s obituary read: “He passed away peacefully in his sleep.” Little did the readers know, his last search engine query was: “How to deactivate predictive text on your death bed.”
Comedic Tidbit / Observation:
Did you know that according to some surveys, autocorrect malfunctions have been cited as a significant contributor to relationship arguments, rivaling even disagreements about money and in-laws? It seems technology can be a surprisingly potent source of marital strife, one errant “ducking” can ruin any romance.
Another Joke Idea:
St. Peter is at the gates, looking flustered. An angel rushes up.
“What’s wrong?” the angel asks.
“We’ve got another autocorrect casualty,” St. Peter groans. “Seems someone typed ‘I forgive you, Jesus!’ but autocorrect changed it to ‘I five you, Jesus!’ and now he thinks he’s getting a high five… on his judgment day.”