Horse

Original Joke: Horse learns to play the guitar, then Cow learns the drums, then Duck learns bass, all despite their physical limitations. They form a band and become huge. On the way to their 10th anniversary concert, the plane crashes, killing Cow, Duck, and Goat. Horse, having missed the flight, walks into a bar where the bartender says, “Why the long face?”

Joke Poo: The Office Flounder

One day, Flounder was staring at the ceiling tiles in his drab cubicle, contemplating the monotonous trajectory his career had taken. “I aced my underwater basket weaving degree,” he thought morosely. “I’m personable, my family thinks I’m ‘successful’ (whatever that means), and I’ve got an encyclopedia of dad jokes – surely, I should’ve accomplished more than data entry for ‘Kelp’s Krunchies’ snack factory.” As he absentmindedly flicked bits of algae off his scales, a ludicrous idea bubbled to the surface. “I’ve always fancied myself a wordsmith. I’ll write a novel!”

Flounder googled “online writing courses” and found a suspiciously cheap ad from a “renowned literary guru.” “Unlock your inner Hemingway! I can teach anyone to write!” claimed the page. The guru had a suspiciously stock-photo-esque smile and a bio that was mostly vague buzzwords, but Flounder thought, “Fortune favors the bold. I’ll take a shot.”

He emailed the guru, who replied instantly. “Yes! You’ve reached me at the apex of availability! When can you start?”

Flounder was giddy but apprehensive. He hadn’t yet revealed his… unique characteristic to the guru, and he feared the guru might reconsider. But he had to go for it.

“I can start tomorrow. I’m very excited. But… I have to be honest. I’m a flounder… as in, a flatfish. I’m not sure how this will work, since, you know, both my eyes are on one side of my head. How can I even proofread what I’ve written?”

“Oh, that’s not a problem at all,” the guru responded with unsettling enthusiasm. “Don’t worry! I’ve got AI software to solve that right away! It won’t be a problem, you’ll be crafting Pulitzer-worthy prose in no time.”

Relieved, Flounder jumped into his first lesson the next day. Unbelievably, Flounder was a LITERARY GENIUS! Sentence structure turned to plot twists in weeks, and Flounder was quickly becoming the guru’s best student. His writing was profound and witty, and each lesson brought significant growth and acclaim.

Flounder began to think about bringing in a friend. “I need an editor!” he thought, and who better to call than Oyster. “Oyster could learn to spot typos, and then maybe we could work together!” So he asked his guru if he could recommend a good editor, and he responded, “Oh, Flounder, I am your man. I’m not just a writing coach, but I can teach editing, marketing, cover design – I’m classically credentialed, you know. Send your friend my way!”

And so he did. Flounder called up Oyster and invited him to read his latest chapter. After listening to Flounder’s narration for a few minutes, Oyster was floored. “I’ve always wanted to edit a book! Do you think he could teach me like he taught you?”

“Absolutely,” replied Flounder. “He’s the best, honestly. Just send him a message.”

As soon as Oyster returned home, he typed up an email and sent it to the guru. After making his introductions and explaining the reference and connection to his star student, Flounder, Oyster made his plea. “Could you please take me on as a student? I love grammar – I think I could be a natural. I’ve always thought I could spot missing commas and I’ve got a flair for storytelling, too.”

“Heck yeah, man. Let’s get you scheduled. When do you think you could start?”

And now, with the prospect of actually taking editing lessons, Oyster was now feeling the same anxiety that had struck Flounder. He knew he had to say something before they started. After all, what if his physical limitations precluded him from even reading the manuscript in the first place?

“I’d love to start right away, but I do have to be honest with you about something first. You see… I’m an oyster. Guru, I don’t even see how this could even work since I’m always closed and can’t see anything.”

“Oh, that’s not a problem at all,” responded the guru just as he had done with Flounder. “Don’t even worry about it! There’s this brand new technology, I can get you set up right away. It won’t be a problem, you’ll be able to find errors and make recommendations in no time.”

And oh boy, was he. Oyster was INCREDIBLE at finding errors. In fact, his journey made Flounder’s progress look like child’s play. Oyster could find a semicolon in the Sahara – he might have been the best proofreader the guru had ever seen. Flounder and Oyster started working together, and they were a force. They started marketing Flounder’s book together, and the reviews and sales flowed as organically as their original lessons. They knew they needed to find a cover designer; they just had to. The book they were marketing was too good and their energy was too infectious to not be shared, so they started tossing names around as who they could bring into their book project. “It’s gotta be Crab,” yelped Flounder. He could barely contain his excitement. “Crab just moves with artistic precision, you know? I’ve never really thought about it before, because, you know, this whole book thing is really new to me – but I can’t think of a better person to call than Crab.”

To Oyster, it just made sense. Crab would fit like a glove. “Yeah. That’s it. I can’t believe I didn’t think of him on my own. Let’s call him.”

Flounder called Crab on speakerphone, and the two prodigies made their pitch. It was true that Crab had always wanted to design book covers. Being fairly financially savvy, Crab also saw a potential goldmine here – after reading a few of their chapters, he knew they were putting together something special. “I’m just honored you thought of me,” Crab responded with tears in his eyes. “I’ll call him right away.”

Crab called the guru, who was thrilled to hear that yet another of Flounder’s friends wanted in. He hadn’t been meeting Flounder or Oyster for lessons as much lately anyway, as they were already way beyond him in skill. It seemed like they were just coming for lessons out of appreciation and kindness. “When can you start?” asked the guru.

And just as it had with Flounder and Oyster, Crab was now feeling that very understandable sense of anxiety. He knew he had to say something before they started. Flounder and Oyster had been able to push through their physical limitations to write their book, but Crab’s body was shaped WAY differently than theirs. He only has two big claws and eight small legs to stand on! How would that even work?

“I’d love to start right away, but I do have to be honest with you about something first. You see… I’m a crab. I don’t even see how this could even work. I walk sideways!”

“Oh, that’s not a problem at all,” responded the guru just as he had done with Flounder and Oyster. “Don’t even worry about it! There’s this brand new technology, I can get you set up right away. It won’t be a problem, you’ll be able to create incredible designs in no time.”

And holy clam shells, Crab WAS making incredible designs after two weeks. TWO WEEKS! The guru had never seen anything like it. And Crab was working with them right away – and if there was any question as to whether or not Crab would be the missing piece – dear reader, it could NOT have gone any better. Crab was the glue that held them all together. He was the perfect puzzle piece that they had been seeking all along, and his presence made their book even better. They all knew they had more than a #1 New York Times Bestseller on their hands. They couldn’t wait for the world to read their book.

Now they just needed someone to do the audio narration. But this one was easy – Oyster’s best friend from childhood, Starfish, had always been something of a voice actor. His voice sounded something like a mixture of Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones – wisdom and gravitas mixed with an intangible, soothing, “everyone is welcome to read” feel that would fit their book perfectly. So they called up Starfish, made their pitch, and had him record chapters as they knew he would, and before the night was over, Starfish was the missing piece that rounded out this lightning in a bottle. The voice acting was finalized, the production was tight, and off they went. “The Authors” were about to explode.

Within a year, they had eight awards on the New York Times Bestseller list. Small readings in bookstores led to side stages at festivals which led to national tours and arena signings, and within three years they were headlining summer stadiums. Everyone from Gen Alpha to boomers were reading their book, and it was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize. Taylor Swift hosted a book club about them. The Authors were the biggest group in the world, and Crab, Flounder, Oyster, and Starfish were internationally worshipped writers.

Ten years later, their fame had never waned. They knew they had to do something big for their 10th anniversary reunion, so they booked the entire grounds at the former site of “Bookstock” 1969 for a weekend of readings and celebration. Hundreds of thousands of tickets sold out in minutes. They were all living their best lives, but when he could, in the quiet moments, Flounder couldn’t help but take a moment to appreciate how far he had come. Tears welling up in his eyes, “Look at me now,” was all he could manage. He really had done it.

As the weekend festival was set to start on a Friday, the four authors met at LAX on Wednesday afternoon to fly together across the country for the show. They didn’t like flying out of small airports on private planes, they all preferred to be with their fans whenever they could (with adequate security, of course). As their security team was ushering them through the airport, Flounder got a phone call. He stopped in front of a Hudson News, and had a somber-looking expression that concerned his bandmates. He spoke softly and slowly into the phone, and then hung up. “Guys, my grandmother had a heart attack. She’s in a hospital in downtown LA, and she doesn’t have any other family here, so I have to go be with her. They think she’s going to be fine, she’s alert and in good spirits, but I still have to go and be with her. Go on ahead – you guys get to the site, make sure everything is set up, and with any luck I’ll be able to fly out and meet you tomorrow.”

Reluctantly, Crab, Oyster, and Starfish left Flounder behind and boarded their flight. Flounder raced to the hospital to be with his grandmother, who, thankfully, was stable and okay. After spending a few nice hours with her at her hospital bedside, Flounder’s grandmother drifted off to sleep. Flounder stayed at her side, just thankful that she had survived the heart attack.

Suddenly, Flounder’s phone rang from an unknown number. He picked up – the unthinkable had happened – the flight that Crab, Oyster, and Starfish were on, the one that HE was supposed to be on – had crashed into a field in Illinois. Everyone was dead.

Flounder was stunned. Shocked. He thought he was going to be sick. His entire life’s work – his best friends – his bandmates – everything was gone. In an instant, his life had been changed forever. How could he pick up the pieces? What could he even do? He was broken. His life was over.

Without really thinking, Flounder walked out of the hospital. Absentmindedly, he found himself in a bar on the next block. He wandered in, sat down at the bar, and with a pale expression and tears in his eyes, looked over toward the kind-looking man behind the counter. The bartender, near the end of his shift and having just served a drink, noticed Flounder and moved up across from him. The bartender looked up at Flounder, gave him the once-over, made good eye contact, and said, “Hey. Why the long face?”

Okay, let’s analyze this joke.

Joke Breakdown:

• Premise: Animals (horse, cow, duck, goat) overcome their physical limitations with “new technology” to become a world-famous band.
• Setup: Extended, detailed narrative of each animal’s initial doubts and the teacher’s repeated assurances.
• Punchline: Tragic twist – the bandmates die in a plane crash, leaving the horse behind. The bartender then delivers the classic “Why the long face?” line, a pun based on the horse’s species.
• Humor Source:
  • Irony: The joke relies heavily on situational irony: the buildup of success and overcoming adversity being immediately undercut by unexpected tragedy.
  • Puns: The punchline is a direct pun.
  • Absurdity: The concept of animals playing instruments with specialized technology is inherently absurd.
  • Subversion: The length of the setup subverts the expectation of a quick joke, which makes the punchline more surprising.

Now, let’s use this to create something new. I’ll focus on the “new technology” aspect.

New Humorous Piece: “The Animal Instrument Interface Handbook”

Type: Witty observation/Fake Excerpt

“From the archives of ‘Applied Xenomusicology’:

Subject: Equine Guitar Adaptation – The ‘Haywire Harmonizer 5000’

Challenges: Traditional fretting methods pose significant difficulty due to the… shall we say, ungulate nature of the subject’s primary manipulators. Existing ‘hoof pick’ adaptations resulted in imprecise note articulation and excessive percussive wear on the instrument’s soundboard.

Solution: The Haywire Harmonizer 5000 utilizes a proprietary bio-feedback system linked to the equine’s prehensile lips (research indicates surprisingly high dexterity). Audio sensors interpret subtle lip movements as fretboard commands, and then use miniature servo-motors to make the note selection on a modified fretboard. An integrated self-lubricating hay dispenser provides positive reinforcement during practice sessions.

Success Metric: Measured by the frequency of successful chromatic scale runs and the quantity of consumed hay.

Did You Know? Early prototypes resulted in horses playing mostly blues riffs, a phenomenon attributed to the inherent melancholy triggered by the device’s proximity to the equine olfactory system. A peppermint-scented filter was subsequently implemented.

Warning: Do NOT attempt to use the Haywire Harmonizer 5000 on mules. The bio-feedback system is incompatible with their stubbornness. You will only end up with a very expensive, hay-covered, and stubbornly silent guitar.”

Explanation of the Humor:

• Ridiculous Detail: The humor stems from the overly scientific and technical language applied to a preposterous situation.
• Parody: It parodies the language of scientific or engineering documentation.
• Unexpected Juxtaposition: The combination of “ungulate manipulators,” “bio-feedback,” and “peppermint-scented filter” creates a funny contrast.
• Animal Stereotypes: The inclusion of mule stubbornness and the explanation of the horse’s “blues period” plays on animal stereotypes.

This new piece takes the original joke’s premise (animals playing instruments with ridiculous technology) and expands it into a mock-scientific description, adding layers of absurdity and detail for comedic effect.