Ivan is eventually released and rehabilitated. For the next 40 years, he lives as the most perfect, model communist citizen. He never misses a Party meeting, he pays his dues, and he quotes Lenin at every opportunity. He is a shining example of loyalty.
Finally, now an old man, Ivan is on his deathbed.
His neighbor Vasily, also an old man and eaten alive by guilt, comes to confess. "Ivan!" he cries, "It was me! I'm the one who reported you all those years ago! I can't live with the guilt. Please, tell me what I can do to earn your forgiveness!"
Ivan slowly opens his eyes and looks at him. "There is… one way, Vasily."
"Anything, Ivan! Anything!"
"I will forgive you," Ivan whispers, "if you beat me. Right here. Right now."
"Ivan! I couldn't! You're a dying man!"
"Beat me," Ivan says, "or I will die without forgiving you."
Sobbing, Vasily agrees. He starts punching the frail old man on his deathbed, screaming, "I'm sorry, Ivan! Please forgive me!"
The bedroom door is immediately kicked open, and two KGB agents burst in.
The lead agent points at Vasily and shouts: "We got the anonymous tip! We were told a traitor was in here, beating a loyal, old Communist to death!"
Joke Poo: Brenda’s Bake Sale
Brenda, a notorious gossip, is ostracized by the neighborhood after she anonymously reports Mrs. Higgins to the HOA for having too many flamingo decorations in her yard.
Years later, Brenda throws herself into baking. She becomes the ultimate suburban baker, meticulously crafting perfect cookies, cakes, and pies. Her bake sales are legendary, attracting crowds from miles around. She’s become a shining example of community involvement.
Finally, an old woman, Brenda is on her deathbed. Mrs. Higgins, also an old woman and consumed by a lifelong grudge, comes to confess. “Brenda!” she cries, “It was me! I’m the one who sabotaged your famous apple pie at the bake-off last year by replacing the sugar with salt! I can’t live with the guilt. Please, tell me what I can do to earn your forgiveness!”
Brenda slowly opens her eyes and looks at her. “There is… one way, Mildred.”
“Anything, Brenda! Anything!”
“I will forgive you,” Brenda whispers, “if you… eat… this.” She gestures weakly to a plate containing a single, suspiciously green-tinged cupcake.
“Brenda! I couldn’t! I have… I have allergies!”
“Eat it,” Brenda croaks, “or I will die without forgiving you.”
Sobbing, Mrs. Higgins agrees. She gingerly takes the cupcake and shoves it into her mouth, chewing with obvious discomfort. “I’m… I’m sorry, Brenda! Please forgive me!”
Immediately, the door bursts open and a gaggle of children, clutching bake sale tickets, rush in.
The leader, a freckled boy, points at Mrs. Higgins, now turning a vibrant shade of purple, and shouts: “We got the anonymous tip! We were told a crazy lady was in here, eating the prize-winning “mystery flavor” cupcake that’s supposed to raise money for new soccer balls!”
Alright, let’s dissect this dark, deliciously ironic Soviet-era joke.
Key Elements:
- The Setup: Anonymous denunciation, Gulag sentence, decades of hyper-loyal citizenship. The long setup creates expectation and delays the punchline, amplifying its impact.
- Irony: Ivan’s strategy of over-the-top loyalty is the key to his revenge. He uses the paranoia and structure of the Soviet system against itself.
- The Confession: Vasily’s guilt and desire for forgiveness are what Ivan exploits.
- The Twist: The “beating” is the trigger for the KGB intervention, orchestrated by Ivan.
- The Punchline: The KGB acting on a new anonymous tip, using the beating as evidence of Vasily’s betrayal. The joke depends on the system being primed to believe the worst, even after decades.
Comedic Enrichment:
Let’s focus on the idea of hyper-loyalty and bureaucratic paranoia as the driving force of the joke. Here’s an amusing “Did you know?” that plays on this theme:
Did you know?
In the Soviet Union, particularly during Stalin’s purges, displaying too much enthusiasm could be a red flag. Showing excessive joy at a minor Party victory, for example, might be interpreted as trying too hard to mask dissent, making you more suspect than someone who simply clapped politely. It was a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation. Kind of like trying to figure out the correct level of enthusiasm for a Zoom meeting. The sweet spot is somewhere between “zombie” and “cult member.”