She screamed:
“You filthy pig! How can you do this to me — to the mother of your children?! We’re getting a divorce!”
I said:
“Honey, please… just let me explain!”
She crossed her arms:
“Fine. Talk. But these will be your last words.”
So I told her:
“Look sweetheart… When I got off the bus, I saw this poor lady. She was freezing and starving, and she asked me for help. How could I ignore her?
I brought her home and gave her the pizza you didn’t eat last night because it was ‘too greasy.’ She devoured it.
She was filthy, so I told her she could take a shower.
While she was in the bathroom, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes. So I gave her the lingerie I bought for our anniversary — the ones you hated because they were black. I gave her a pair of your jeans you never wear just because my mom bought them. Then I gave her that shirt you didn’t even unpack because it was from a cheap store.
Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing.”
"I walked her to the door. She turned back, tears in her eyes, and said ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?"
“And as you can see… here we are. In bed.”
Joke Poo: The Recycling Project
My contractor came back to inspect the renovations early and caught me elbow-deep in a dumpster overflowing with discarded drywall and plumbing fixtures!
He yelled:
“You cheapskate! How can you do this to me — to the architect of your dream bathroom?! We’re going to arbitration!”
I said:
“Relax, just let me explain!”
He folded his arms:
“Fine. Explain. But this better be good.”
So I told him:
“Look, buddy… When I finished my morning coffee, I saw this pathetic pile of debris. It was neglected, forgotten, and asked me for purpose. How could I ignore it?
I brought it here and gave it the dumpster space the city charged me for anyway, because it was ‘too small’ for all the waste. It happily settled in.
It was scattered, so I told it I could organize it.
While I was reorganizing it, I noticed some tiles were broken and useless. So I scavenged your sample box — the one you insisted I buy even though they were bright orange. I fixed the drainage pipes with the sealant you overstocked. Then I used the extra plaster you tried to upcharge me for because it was a ‘special blend’.
You should’ve seen how useful they were. The materials were glowing.”
“I placed the materials in order. They were restored, tears in their eyes, and said, ‘Is there anything else your contractor does not use?'”
“And as you can see… here we are. Making things better.”
Alright, let’s dissect this humorous tale of infidelity and masterful (yet probably doomed) deflection!
Key Elements of the Joke:
- Premise: Man caught in bed with another woman by his wife.
- Setup: Wife’s dramatic reaction sets the stage for a serious confrontation.
- Punchline(s):
- The extended explanation – each item “given” away is something the wife disliked or didn’t use, highlighting their incompatibility or her supposed pickiness.
- The beggar woman’s final question: “Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use?” – implying the wife is wasteful and unappreciative, justifying the husband’s actions.
- The final line, “…and as you can see…here we are. In bed.” – This is a perfect bookend, bringing the story to a ridiculous and unexpected conclusion.
- Irony/Humor: The husband attempts to paint himself as a generous savior of a needy woman, while simultaneously exposing his wife’s perceived faults. The absurdity of ending up in bed as a result of charitable acts is the core of the humor. The audience knows he’s being deceitful and self-serving.
- Underlying Theme: Marital dissatisfaction, passive-aggressive behavior, and blatant dishonesty.
Now, let’s add some comedic enrichment:
Witty Observation/Joke Alternative:
Instead of the beggar woman, imagine the husband explaining to his wife that he was helping a time-traveling anthropologist.
“Honey, this woman appeared in our bedroom in a burst of temporal energy! She claimed to be studying the mating rituals of contemporary humans. I was merely assisting her research. She needed a ‘baseline’ subject, you see. It’s all very scientific. And by the way, she said those lingerie you got were ‘historically accurate’ for a Neanderthal mating ceremony… but she preferred your jeans.”
‘Did You Know’ Factoid & Enhanced Joke:
Fact: The average American woman only wears about 20% of the clothes in her closet. This statistic is often cited as evidence of overconsumption and wasteful spending.
Enhanced Joke/Tagline:
“Honey… you should’ve seen how happy she was. She was glowing! I walked her to the door, and she turned back, tears in her eyes, and said, ‘Is there anything else your wife doesn’t use? According to studies, she probably has 80% of her closet that’s going to waste!’ I mean, who am I to deny sociological data?!”
Alternative Punchline (Playing on the Wife’s Reaction):
After his long-winded explanation, the wife stares blankly, then calmly says, “Okay, but the lingerie was vintage. And that shirt? I got it at a thrift store, you philistine! I’m still divorcing you, but now it’s for crimes against fashion.”
Why These Enhancements Work:
- They build upon the existing humor by amplifying the absurdity of the situation.
- The “time-traveling anthropologist” twist adds a layer of surreal humor.
- The factual statistic about unused clothing reinforces the wife’s perceived faults and the husband’s rationalization.
- The alternative punchline focuses on the wife’s materialistic concerns, highlighting the shallowness of the marriage.
Essentially, the goal is to either heighten the already humorous situation or introduce a new, unexpected element that makes the punchline even more impactful.