The state trooper sees the back of my vehicle, and couldn't help but ask what I do for a living.
I said, "Sir, I'm a professional asshole stretcher."
He looks at me, goes "That can't be real, what do you mean? Tell me what do you really do."
I reply, "No, sir, really, I'm a professional asshole stretcher. It's 2025, pays really well"
He says "Okay, if you're serious, tell me how that works, what do you do at work."
In all seriousness I look at him, I say "Well I pick up a slab of ass, have to start with my pinky. Work in the other pinky until eventually I got 8 fingers in there. Then I work my fists in and get it nice and stretched. I widen it out get it really worked until it's getting more elbow length. Then I get it about stretched by stepping in it and really working it. Eventually I've got it stretched up to my waist and then my shoulders. Until eventually I get it stretched out to about 6 foot and then that's about it, it's done."
State trooper looking a little puzzled, looks back at me and says, "Okay, so, what do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
I reply, "Well usually we give them a hat, a badge, and a gun."
Okay, here’s my attempt at a “Joke Poo” version of the asshole stretcher joke, aiming for a similar structure and punchline surprise:
Joke Poo: The Cloud Inflator
So, I’m at the science fair, right? This judge, Mr. Stern, famous atmospheric scientist, walks past my exhibit and stops dead. He’s staring at my contraption.
He asks, totally serious, “What exactly is it that you do?”
I tell him, “Sir, I’m a professional cloud inflator.”
He raises an eyebrow. “A… cloud inflator? Surely you jest. What do you really do?”
I insist, “No sir, that’s really what I do. Cloud inflation. It’s a niche market, but it’s booming, especially with these new atmospheric geoengineering initiatives. ”
He squints. “Alright, alright. Let’s say I believe you. Explain to me, step-by-step, how one inflates a cloud.”
I clear my throat, get into my explanation: “Well, first, I start with a small, cirrus cloud, like a wisp, and gently introduce super-fine, helium-infused nano-balloons. I begin by just adding a few, carefully spaced. I gradually increase the number, making sure not to disrupt the cloud’s natural formations. Then I use targeted sonic vibrations to expand the existing moisture particles, coaxing them together. It’s a delicate dance between science and artistry. I continue with sonic and helium until it gets to maybe a cumulonimbus, I work with high frequency pulses, and with the help of the helium i can get it stretched to cover a few kilometers. “
Mr. Stern is now leaning in, utterly bewildered. “So… you… inflate it to… well, what size, exactly?”
I grin. “Oh, big enough to block out the sun, dump a ton of rain, and ruin everyone’s picnic.”
Alright, let’s dissect this joke and see what comedic gold we can extract.
Joke Analysis:
- Setup: A traffic stop by a state trooper leads to an absurd profession (“asshole stretcher”) being declared by the driver.
- Core Element: The escalating description of the job, moving from the vague to the graphic, builds tension and absurdity. The trooper’s increasingly bewildered incredulity is crucial.
- Punchline: The implication that law enforcement officers are literally “stretched assholes” is the offensive, but humorous, payoff. The joke relies on the listener connecting the absurd fictional profession to a critical view of some police behavior.
- Key Humorous Devices:
- Deadpan Delivery: The narrator’s straight-faced explanation amplifies the absurdity.
- Hyperbole: The increasingly ridiculous description of the stretching process.
- Irony: The trooper, a figure of authority, is ultimately implicated in the joke’s insult.
- Subversion: The listener expects a reasonable explanation, but receives an increasingly bizarre one.
Enrichment Opportunities:
Given the core elements, we can either lean into the absurdity of the profession, the commentary on law enforcement, or a combination of both.
New Humor Ideas:
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“Did You Know?” (Absurd Profession Focus): Did you know that the field of “asshole stretching,” while currently dominated by human practitioners, is facing stiff competition from AI-powered robotic stretchers? Initial prototypes showed promise, but suffered from a critical flaw: an inability to distinguish between the asshole and the surrounding area, resulting in numerous… unfortunate stretching incidents. The industry is now heavily investing in ethical AI training.
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Joke Variation (Law Enforcement Commentary):
A rookie cop asks his veteran partner, “Why do we always have to go through this whole charade of ‘protect and serve’? Why can’t we just admit we’re essentially professional asshole stretchers?”
The veteran sighs, “Kid, that’s part of the stretching process. You gotta build up the tension first!” -
Witty Observation (Absurdity Meets Reality): In today’s economy, the skills of a professional “asshole stretcher” are surprisingly transferable. Whether it’s dealing with customer complaints, navigating corporate bureaucracy, or simply trying to book a flight, it seems like everyone’s looking for someone who can expand their tolerance… for unpleasantness.
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Historical Parallel (Playing on Authority): The concept of “asshole stretching” might seem modern, but historically, similar professions existed under different guises. Think of the medieval court jester: Their role was to stretch the boundaries of what could be said to the king, often by poking at the royal ego and, occasionally, getting a good “stretching” themselves in the process.