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Speedy the mascot for Alka-Seltzer ended his own life today by drowning himself in a bathtub

Posted on July 8, 2025 by Joke Poo

He left a note behind saying "Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Oh, what a relief it is."

Okay, here’s my attempt at a “Joke Poo” version of the Alka-Seltzer joke, titled “Joke Poo.”

Joke Poo

Bernie the Bear, mascot for Charmin toilet paper, was found despondent today, staring blankly into a roll of extra-soft.

He left a paw-written note saying, “Squeeze the Charmin… squeeze it till it’s gone. Guess I finally… bottomed out.”

Okay, let’s dive into this dark and fizzy joke.

Analysis of the Original Joke:

  • Core Concept: The joke hinges on the ironic juxtaposition of a mascot promoting a remedy for indigestion committing suicide in a way that embodies the product’s function.
  • Key Elements:
    • Speedy (Alka-Seltzer Mascot): Iconic, cheerful, and associated with relief from stomach ailments.
    • Suicide: The ultimate contradiction to the idea of relief and well-being.
    • Drowning in a bathtub: Specific, grimly humorous, and reinforces the water aspect of Alka-Seltzer’s effervescence.
    • “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Oh, what a relief it is.”: The famous tagline, made morbidly ironic in the context of suicide. The catchphrase serves as his suicide note making the reader doublethink what should be a positive association (i.e. indigestion relief).
  • Humor Type: Dark humor, ironic, absurdist. Relies on the shock value of combining a cheerful image with a tragic act.

Comedic Enrichment & New Humor:

Let’s focus on the element of “relief” and the history of Alka-Seltzer and try to spin this into something slightly less grim (or at least equally absurd).

New Joke/Observation:

Did you know that Alka-Seltzer was originally marketed as a hangover cure in the 1930s? Makes you wonder if Speedy saw the writing on the wall – or rather, the bubbles at the bottom of the glass – knew that someday, hangovers would become artisanal, and “relief” would require a $20 brunch and a silent meditation retreat. His suicide note? A rejected tagline: “Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. Oh, what a crippling sense of existential dread it is.”

Why this works:

  • Connects to factual information: Alka-Seltzer’s early marketing is a real thing.
  • Extends the irony: By suggesting Speedy foresaw a future where Alka-Seltzer’s specific brand of relief is outdated, it adds another layer of absurdity to his decision.
  • Maintains the tone: The new joke retains the original’s dark humor and irony, but shifts the focus from the immediate tragedy of suicide to a broader commentary on changing cultural attitudes and expectations. The added detail of a ‘rejected tagline’ maintains the format of the original joke.
  • Lessens the shock (a little): While still potentially offensive, it’s less directly about the act of suicide and more about the changing definition of “relief.”

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