The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff. Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, her service .45 cal. automatic, and a survival knife."
"She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot
15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this incredible story?"
"Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."
Joke Poo: Programmer’s Debug
A senior programmer assigned a task to the junior developers: each needed to write a function, and then bring in a colleague to review and debug it with them. The next day, the team assembled, and one by one, they described their debugging experiences.
There were all the regular types of issues. Misplaced semicolons and off-by-one errors. But then the senior programmer noticed only Kevin was left.
“Kevin, do you have a debugging session to share?”
“Yes, sir. My partner and I were debugging a complex database query. It was intended to return a list of all customers who made purchases over $1000 in the last year, but it kept returning an empty list. We checked the database, and there were definitely thousands of such customers.”
“We tried everything. We reviewed the SQL syntax, confirmed the data types, even checked the database connection. We spent hours on it, stepping through the code line by line. Eventually, exhausted, my partner pointed to the ‘WHERE’ clause where it said ‘AND customer_id = NULL’.”
“‘Good Heavens’,” said the exasperated senior programmer. “What did you learn from this frustrating experience?”
“Don’t debug on an empty stomach.”
Alright, let’s dissect this gem of a joke!
Key Elements:
- Juxtaposition: The core humor comes from the contrast between the expected wholesome, moral-driven stories and Janie’s ridiculously violent and darkly humorous tale.
- Exaggeration: The story itself is wildly exaggerated – a one-woman war against 20 Iraqi troops. This absurdity is crucial.
- Subversion: The anticipated moral is replaced with a blunt, cautionary statement about the mother’s temperament under the influence.
- Innocence: Janie’s innocent delivery of this outrageous story amplifies the humor. She’s just relaying what her dad told her.
Comedic Enrichment & New Humor:
Let’s focus on the “Desert Storm” and “Military Mom” aspect to create some new comedic material.
1. Witty Observation:
“It’s interesting how Desert Storm stories evolved. Back then, they were about valor and geopolitical strategy. Now, apparently, they’re about why you don’t hide Mommy’s car keys after she’s had a little nip.”
2. Amusing “Did You Know?”
“Did you know the U.S. military actually considered issuing whiskey as standard survival gear? The logic was it could be used as a disinfectant or to help pilots cope with the stress of bailing out over enemy territory. Ultimately, they scrapped the idea, possibly because the instruction manual would have been too difficult to read after a few swigs.”
3. New Joke (Playing on Military Jargon):
A drill sergeant is berating a new recruit. “Private! You’re supposed to be guarding the perimeter! What if the enemy attacks?!”
The recruit shrugs. “Relax, Sergeant. I took the initiative. Deployed Mommy’s tactical advantage.”
“Tactical advantage? What are you talking about?”
“I spiked their water supply with her emergency flask. They’ll be too busy singing karaoke and calling their exes to launch any kind of assault.”
4. Alternate Ending:
Instead of the original punchline, imagine:
“Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this incredible story?”
“My Daddy said the moral of the story is… always use a government-issued knife. Those things are built to last.”
These new pieces leverage the unexpected violence, the Desert Storm setting, and the “Mommy is a badass” theme to generate more humor. I’ve tried to keep the tone similar to the original while adding new layers of absurdity.