A billionaire is sailing his yacht past a lighthouse, and he sees the elderly lighthouse keeper out on the rocks at the base of the lighthouse, getting a blowjob from a mermaid – the top half was a stunning, curvy redhead, and the bottom half was a tiger shark. As he watches, the pair finish the act and the mermaid swims away.
The billionaire is stunned, and anchors his yacht there to see if it happens again. Sure enough, the next afternoon, the lighthouse keeper comes out, blows on a conch shell, and a gorgeous blonde merman with the bottom half of a swordfish swims up, and thoroughly satisfies him.
The next day this happens again! This time he blows on a different conch and the mermaid is a petite brunette with the bottom half of a seahorse.
The billionaire decides he must have this, and every night for the next two weeks, he scours the local bars to find the lighthouse keeper. He finally runs him down at a fisherman's bar and sits down next to him.
"I'll give you a million dollars if you tell me how you get those mermaids to come up to you. Only the female ones, though, I'm prejudiced."
"No," says the lighthouse keeper "it's too difficult and dangerous, and I don't want the liability"
"Two million dollars and a waiver" says the billionaire.
"Fine" says the lighthouse keeper, and they handle the paperwork.
"Okay, here's what you do. You learn to hold your breath for five minutes, and go to the rock pool behind the lighthouse. Stay underwater for five minutes without any help, and a mermaid will be impressed and swim up and give you a conch. And that's how you get Seahorse Julie."
"Too hard!" says the billionaire. "What else do you have?"
" Get really good at swimming in the open ocean. At exactly midnight, leave from the lighthouse shore, and swim due east for exactly four miles, without your GPS watch, and a mermaid will be impressed and give you a conch. That's how you get Tiger shark Alice. "
" Too complicated!" fumes the billionaire, "Try again! "
"Fine, here's an easy but gross one" says the lighthouse keeper. "Go to the chicken farm three miles north of here and ask for their sickliest chicken. Pluck it, and then soak it in their sewage runoff for a day. Then grind it up into a smoothie, let it ferment for two days, and then go onto the bow of your yacht and chug it at high noon. That's how…"
"At last!" shouts the billionaire, and rushes off to get the chicken. Three days later, he's standing on the pointy end of his yacht, holding his nose and drinking a greyish pink smoothie.
And that's how he got Salmon Ella.
Joke Poo: The Startup Bro and the Crypto Oracle
A venture capitalist is touring a remote tech commune, and he sees the guru, a wizened old programmer, sitting cross-legged on a pile of servers, receiving… something… from a glowing, pixelated Shiba Inu – its body glitching between 2D and 3D. It finishes, and the dog dissipates into a cascade of binary code.
The VC, dumbfounded, returns every day. Once it’s a muscular Ethereum unicorn, servicing the guru with gusto. Another time it’s a delicate Bitcoin butterfly, providing a more subtle, but no less satisfying experience.
After two weeks of observing, the VC can’t take it anymore. He tracks down the guru in the commune’s recycled-pallet coffee shop and throws down a briefcase full of unmarked bills.
“I’ll give you a million dollars if you tell me how you get those… crypto-entities… to come to you. Just the ones that generate value, though, I’m only interested in profit.”
“No,” says the guru. “It’s too risky, too much potential for rug pulls, and I’ve got enough karma debt as it is.”
“Two million dollars, a full indemnity clause, and a board seat on my next unicorn,” the VC counters.
“Fine,” says the guru, and they finalize the deal on a napkin.
“Okay, here’s what you do. You write a fully functional, flawlessly documented API integration for decentralized oracle requests from any chain, and leave it running for a month. If it stands up to the load, you’ll get a unicorn.”
“Too hard!” says the VC. “Anything else?”
“Learn Solidity. Build a secure and scalable decentralized lending platform. Run it for a year without getting hacked. That’s how you get the Bitcoin Butterfly.”
“Too complicated!” fumes the VC. “Try again!”
“Fine, here’s an easy, but kinda gross one,” says the guru. “Go to that influencer house in the hills, find the TikTok star with the most obvious bot followers, and buy all their pre-sale tokens in their next pump and dump, before they are launched. Then take the tokens you could sell for $300 to a local artist, and pay them to melt them down and cover yourself with the crypto waste. Stand under a Full Moon and repeat the mantra of ‘Moon Soon’. That’s how…”
“Finally!” shouts the VC, and races off to his Lambo. Three days later, he’s on the roof of the influencer house, covered in dross, howling at the moon.
And that’s how he got Doge Coin Herpes.
Alright, let’s dissect this joke!
Key Elements:
- Juxtaposition: High-class billionaire vs. humble lighthouse keeper.
- The Absurd: A lighthouse keeper summoning mermaids with different animal bottom halves (tiger shark, swordfish, seahorse) for… purposes.
- The Billionaire’s Desire: He wants the mermaid summoning power, but only for female mermaids due to prejudice.
- The Catch: The lighthouse keeper’s methods are increasingly difficult and/or disgusting.
- Pun: The punchline, “Salmon Ella,” relies on the similarity of “Salmonella” (a type of food poisoning) to a potential mermaid name.
- Irony: The billionaire, accustomed to getting his way with money, ends up subjecting himself to something truly repulsive for a punny payoff.
Factual/Interesting Tidbits:
- Conch Shells: Blowing a conch shell can produce a loud, resonating sound. In some cultures, they are used for signaling, ceremonies, and even summoning deities.
- Mermaids in Mythology: Mermaids appear in folklore across many cultures. They are often associated with beauty, danger, and seductive powers.
- Lighthouses: Lighthouses have historically been isolated postings, conducive to eccentric habits (like, say, mermaid whispering).
- Salmonella: Salmonella is a bacteria that causes food poisoning. Symptoms include diarrhea, fever, and abdominal cramps. It’s commonly found in raw or undercooked poultry and eggs.
New Piece of Humor:
Option 1: New Joke (Playing on the Absurd)
A venture capitalist is trying to explain his startup’s concept to a group of skeptical investors. “It’s revolutionary,” he proclaims, “We’re genetically engineering goldfish to have the legs of Olympic sprinters! We call them… Goldrushers.”
One investor raises an eyebrow. “And what problem does this solve?”
The VC leans in conspiratorially. “It doesn’t solve anything! It’s just… weird. And we’re gonna sell them for twenty thousand dollars a piece to people who think owning a goldfish with Usain Bolt legs is somehow a status symbol.”
Another investor sighs. “So, it’s basically the digital pet rock, but with genetic manipulation?”
The VC beams. “Exactly! Except this time, you have to feed them… Salmonella flakes!”
Option 2: Witty Observation
I often wonder if rich people’s hobbies are just increasingly elaborate ways to experience mild discomfort. Like, sure, you could buy a comfortable boat, but isn’t it more fulfilling to pay someone a million dollars to teach you how to attract mermaids who are only attracted to people who can chug chicken smoothie?
Option 3: Amusing “Did You Know?”
Did you know that while the ancient Greeks depicted sirens as half-bird, half-woman creatures who lured sailors to their doom with their enchanting voices, modern billionaires have updated the mythology to involve tiger shark tails and a crippling fear of missing out? It’s called “FOMOmermaid,” and it’s a real problem… for their digestive systems. Also, never ask a billionaire what kind of fish they call their kids. You might end up hearing “Salmon”.