This is my attempt at a classic. Or at least I think it’s a classic? I know I’ve seen similar jokes before.
There once was a man born with a golden screw in his belly button. His family takes him to doctor after doctor. They run test after test, give him pill after pill. They even try to remove it surgically, but even that yields nothing.
The man hates this life. Trudging along to all these doctors only to be face to face with the same result every time. Eventually he becomes numb to it. Until one day he wakes up, sick of it all. He decides to give up on the doctors, medicines, and surgeries and looks for other means to answer his questions.
First, he turns to religion, but no priest can help. Then he turns to pseudoscience, and then witchcraft, and then mediums and oracles and the paranormal. He soon finds himself facing the very same wall that he faced with all those doctors. No one has an answer for the golden screw in his belly button.
Distraught, he wanders the streets, drinking his sorrows away.
But then one day, he meets a monk. In a final desperate cry, he pleads the monk for help. The monk looks upon him with love, picks him up from the ground, and takes him to the monastery he lived in.
He takes care of the man, gives him food, clean clothes, and a warm bed. The man is grateful, but he also finds himself admiring the monk for his lifestyle. The monk lives a simple life of tending the garden, meditation, and helping those in need. He sees that the monk is happy, and the man decides to give up the life he once knew for this simple life of monkhood.
The man stays with the monk for several years, meditating, tending the garden, and helping those in need. He is finally happy.
But he never once forgot about the golden screw in his belly button.
One day the man is studying ancient texts and comes across a story about a golden screwdriver. His heart begins to race as he realizes this is the answer he has searched for all these years. He simply must find this golden screwdriver.
So, he sets out on a journey. He climbs mountains, crosses rivers, treks deserts, and swims oceans. He is now an old man with a long grey beard and wise old eyes. Eventually, he comes upon the place of hope, the resting place of the golden screwdriver.
They are ancient ruins, covered in ornate carvings and paintings. Every room overflowing with jewelry made with only the purest gold and most perfect jewels and robes made of the finest silks. The place is completely untouched by modern human hands, hidden away for hundreds of years.
He turns a corner to find himself in a grand throne room. The walls are 50 feet high and made of gold. He sees a massive portrait of a king and Queen. The portrait is remarkable, with unbelievable detail. And the two royals themselves? They are the most beautiful people he has ever seen. He feels tears filling his eyes, but then out of the corner of his eye, he sees it.
He shouts with joy and approaches the golden screwdriver. He picks it up and it works! The screw is turning for the first time in his entire life! He can hardly believe the miracle before him. He twists and twists and twists, and as soon as the screw comes out…
His ass falls off.
Joke Poo: The Diamond Splinter
There once was a woman born with a tiny, but very sharp, diamond splinter embedded deep inside her pinky finger. Her family, wealthy beyond comprehension, drags her to specialist after specialist. They try sonic lasers, miniature robots, even ancient alchemical elixirs. Nothing works. The diamond, impossibly small yet agonizingly painful, remains.
The woman grows up resenting this constant barrage of bizarre medical procedures. Eventually, she becomes apathetic, resigned to a life of minor but persistent torment. One day, however, she snaps. She abandons the elite doctors, the cutting-edge technology, and decides to pursue alternative, holistic cures.
First, she consults crystal healers, but they just recommend she align her chakras. Then she tries aromatherapy, but all the lavender in the world can’t dislodge a diamond. She even considers ancient voodoo rituals, but her parents forbid her from traveling to New Orleans without a heavily armed security detail. She finds herself facing the same frustrating wall she encountered with all the doctors. Nothing works.
Dejected, she attends a posh charity gala, sipping champagne and feigning interest in polo.
But then, during a performance by a world-renowned contortionist, she bumps into a street magician. In a moment of despair, she begs the magician for help. The magician, intrigued, looks at her hand with a knowing gaze, produces a single, perfectly ripe banana, and tells her to peel and eat it slowly.
He takes care of the woman, brings her tea and pastries, and teaches her basic card tricks. The woman is amused and finds herself admiring the magician for his nonchalant attitude. The magician lives a carefree life of pulling rabbits from hats and charming tourists. She sees that the magician is content, and the woman decides to give up the social life she once knew for this simple life of illusion.
The woman stays with the magician for several years, learning sleight of hand, practicing stage presence, and occasionally pulling a rabbit from a hat. She is finally at peace.
But she never once forgot about the diamond splinter in her pinky finger.
One day the woman is reading through ancient magic texts and comes across a spell about how to manipulate the density of objects. Her heart begins to race as she realizes this is the answer she has searched for all these years. She simply must master this spell.
So, she practices for months, bending spoons with her mind, levitating small objects, even turning water into wine (which, admittedly, wasn’t very good wine). She is now a skilled magician, confident and capable. Eventually, she feels ready to attempt the spell on her own finger.
She stands under the moonlight, chanting the ancient words, focusing all her energy on the minuscule diamond. She feels a tingling sensation, a shift in the very fabric of reality around her pinky. The diamond begins to shimmer, to vibrate…
She concentrates harder, and then…
Her entire hand turns into a handful of glitter.
Okay, let’s dissect this “Golden Screw” joke and see what we can do with it.
Joke Analysis:
- Premise: A man is born with a golden screw in his belly button and embarks on a lifelong quest to find a golden screwdriver.
- Setup: A detailed and protracted journey involving doctors, religion, pseudoscience, a monk, and finally, a dangerous quest. The setup builds considerable anticipation.
- Punchline: The golden screwdriver removes the screw, causing his ass to fall off.
- Humor Type: Absurdist, anti-climactic, and perhaps a little bit scatological. The extreme disconnect between the build-up and the ridiculous payoff is key. The joke subverts expectations; we expect some grand revelation or personal transformation, not anatomical failure.
- Key Elements:
- The golden screw: the unusual and persistent problem.
- The long quest: the exaggerated length and breadth of the search.
- The monk: a symbol of spiritual seeking and a false lead.
- The golden screwdriver: the object of desire and the instrument of doom.
- The ass falling off: the unexpected and absurd consequence.
Comedic Enrichment:
Let’s focus on the “golden” aspect of the joke and add a “Did you know?” style observation.
New Observation (Playing on the absurdity of the premise):
“Did you know that the idea of possessing gold has been an obsession throughout human history, with entire civilizations rising and falling over the pursuit of it? And yet, this guy’s life goal was to use a golden tool to remove gold from himself. I guess what they say is true: Some people are just destined to be ass-ets to society… just not connected to it for long!”
New Joke (Inspired by the ‘anti-climax’):
A man spends his entire life searching for the legendary Fountain of Youth. He scales mountains, braves deserts, and fights off crocodiles. Finally, after decades, he finds it! He jumps in, eager to regain his youth…and immediately remembers he forgot his towel.
Explanation:
- The first addition takes the joke and connects it to real historical trends and human psychology regarding gold, making the absurdity stand out even more. The pun at the end emphasizes the punchline.
- The second addition mimics the structure of the original joke (long quest, anti-climactic/absurd payoff) but with a different, relatable, and less scatological element.