Her Magesty is touring the First Fusiliers Baracks and the Sergeant Major takes her into the Infirmary.
A young man stands in his hospital gown at the foot of the bed.
"Sergeant Major, please tell me what is wrong with this man here". She says
The Sgt. Mgr. Answers "Hrumph. Er… Gonorrhea Ma'am"
"Oh dear" she says. "And what is the treatment for this malady pray?"
"Wire brush and Lysol, Ma'am".
"I see". She says, a slightly alarmed look on her face. "And you, young man, what is your goal in life?"
"To rid myself of this horrible, self inflicted injury, and return to active duty as soon as possible, Your Magesty!" The soldier replies.
"Yes. Excellent, carry on". The Queen moves to the next cot. A soldier stands at attention in his hospital gown.
"And Sergeant Major… this man? What is his condition?"
The Sgt. Mgr. Answers "Hrumph. Er… Genital Warts, Ma'am"
"Oh dear" she says. "And what is the treatment for this malady pray?"
"Wire brush and Lysol, Ma'am".
"I see". She says. "And you, young man, what is your goal in life?"
"To rid myself of this horrible, self inflicted injury, and return to active duty as soon as possible, Your Magesty!" The soldier replies.
" Yes, well done, carry on" she says.
The party moves on to a third cot.
" And this man? " She asks.
" Strep throat, Ma'am" he replies.
" And the treatment for this? "
" Wire brush and… " The Sergeant Major starts
" Yes, yes, and Lysol" the Queen interrupts. " And you young man? What is your goal in life?"
"To get hold of that wire brush and Lysol before those two dirty bastards have a go at it…. Ma'am"
Joke Poo: The Astronaut’s Aspirations
A Mission Commander is touring the isolation ward of a deep-space exploration vessel.
A young astronaut stands at the foot of his bio-bed, looking pale.
“Commander, please tell me what’s ailing this crewmember,” she says.
The medic answers, “Space Adaptation Syndrome, Ma’am. Extreme disorientation.”
“Oh dear,” she says. “And what is the standard treatment protocol?”
“Centrifuge and zero-G training simulator, Ma’am.”
“I see,” she says, a slightly concerned look on her face. “And you, young astronaut, what is your goal on this mission?”
“To overcome this wretched nausea, find my bearings, and contribute to the scientific mission, Commander!” the astronaut replies weakly.
“Yes. Excellent, carry on,” the Commander moves to the next bio-bed. An astronaut stands at attention (as much as he can) in his anti-gravity suit.
“And medic… this astronaut? What is his condition?”
The medic answers, “Asteroid Mining Fatigue, Ma’am. Acute muscle strain.”
“Oh dear,” she says. “And what is the standard treatment protocol?”
“Centrifuge and zero-G training simulator, Ma’am.”
“I see,” she says. “And you, young astronaut, what is your goal on this mission?”
“To recover my strength, master the mining techniques, and bring back valuable resources to Earth, Commander!” the astronaut replies.
“Yes, well done, carry on,” she says.
The party moves on to a third bio-bed.
“And this astronaut?” She asks.
“Homesickness, Ma’am,” he replies, looking utterly dejected.
“And the treatment for this?”
“Centrifuge and…” The medic starts.
“Yes, yes, and the zero-G training simulator,” the Commander interrupts. “And you, young astronaut? What is your goal on this mission?”
“To get my hands on that centrifuge and zero-G training simulator before those two whiners have a go at it… Ma’am!”
Alright, let’s dissect this joke and then inject some comedic enhancements.
Joke Breakdown:
- Setup: The Queen is touring an infirmary. The Sergeant Major’s inappropriate descriptions of illnesses contrast with the formal setting and the Queen’s attempt at decorum.
- Punchline: The soldier with strep throat reveals the real “horrific” part of the treatment: the shared, unsterilized wire brush and Lysol. It subverts the expectation of patriotic duty and reveals a self-preservation instinct.
- Humor Source:
- Incongruity: The formal Queen interacting with the crude reality of sexually transmitted infections and archaic treatment.
- Reversal: The initial expectation is a patriotic, selfless answer from each soldier. The punchline flips this on its head, highlighting the soldier’s concern for hygiene (or lack thereof).
- Absurdity: The treatment itself (wire brush and Lysol) is ridiculously barbaric, adding to the humor.
Key Elements to Play On:
- The Queen: Her formality and perceived naiveté.
- The Sergeant Major: His bluntness and use of archaic terminology.
- The Illnesses: The delicate topic of STIs and the contrast with the Queen’s presence.
- The Treatment: The absurd and horrifying wire brush and Lysol.
Comedic Enrichment (New Joke/Observation):
Option 1: A Witty Observation
“The Queen’s visit to the infirmary proved one thing: even royalty can be caught off guard by the existential dread of unsterilized military hygiene. One wonders if, upon returning to Buckingham Palace, she immediately ordered the Royal Bath Attendant to scrub everything with platinum wool and imported lavender disinfectant. And possibly fire the Sergeant Major.
Option 2:A related joke
A nervous young man brings his girlfriend home to meet his parents. After dinner, his mother tells him to bring the girl into the living room as she needs to talk to her.
The mother says, “I know this is very early to ask, but what are your intentions with my son?”
The girlfriend replies, “Well I really like him, and we both want the same things in life. Like to be married, have children, buy a home…”
The mother smiles and says “Oh thank goodness! I was afraid you were going to say ‘Wire brush and Lysol’.”
Why it works:
- It riffs on the original joke’s central element: the absurd and horrifying treatment.
- It adds a layer of dark humor by connecting a serious issue (STIs) to a more general fear of unsanitary conditions.
- The phrase “wire brush and lysol” is now a punchline.
I hope this comedic enrichment has improved your experience with the joke!