They're being defended by young lads from the Volkssturm and an experienced veteran from the Eastern Front.
The Scottish commander stands up – a two-meter-tall brute in a kilt: "Forward, sons of Scotland, for the king!"
The Volkssturm guys: "Well, that's it, time to run for our lives – they're gonna kill us all."
The veteran: "Not yet." He lets off a burst from the machine gun, and all the Scots hit the dirt.
The Scottish officer rises to his full height again: "Forward, lads, for Scotland! William Wallace is watching us from the heavens!"
The Volkssturm guys: "Now we definitely gotta run – they'll shoot us like dogs."
The veteran: "I said, not yet." Another burst from the machine gun, all the Scots hit the dirt, followed by a loud "splash."
Out of an unburied field latrine crawls the Scottish commander, covered in shit from head to toe, and he roars: "YER BOGGIN’ SCUMFACES, YER FECKIN’ DEAD!"
The German veteran: "And now we run!"
Joke Poo: Intergalactic Recycling, 2342
The crew of the Galactic Sanitation Cruiser “The Plunger” is tasked with cleaning up a particularly nasty asteroid field filled with space debris. They’re led by a grizzled old cyborg, Zorp, and staffed by a bunch of fresh-faced cadets and a battle-hardened veteran from the Andromeda Wars, Sergeant Grobnar.
Zorp, a hulking metallic figure with one glowing eye, booms over the comms: “Alright you swabs, let’s clear this asteroid field for the Galactic Federation! Prime the vacuum cannons!”
The cadets whine: “Ugh, but Zorp, it smells like week-old space kelp out there! We’re gonna be sick!”
Grobnar: “Not yet.” He activates the tractor beam, pulling in a massive chunk of space garbage. He then fires the recycler cannon, disintegrating it into raw materials. The cadets cheer.
Zorp rises to his full height (which is considerable, given all the cybernetics): “Forward, cadets, for a cleaner galaxy! Think of the children!”
The cadets groan: “Oh man, this is gonna be a long shift… we’re gonna be covered in cosmic dust and regret.”
Grobnar: “I said, not yet.” Another, even larger piece of debris is sucked in and blasted apart. This time, however, instead of disintegrated material, there’s a loud burp followed by a “splash.”
From the depths of a ruptured space toilet system crawls Zorp, covered head-to-toe in iridescent space sludge. He roars, “WHO CLOGGED THE RECYCLER WITH A GRADE-SEVEN FLUSH!?!”
Grobnar: “And now we eject!” launches escape pod
Alright, let’s dissect this gloriously vulgar joke.
Key Elements:
- Setting: Western Front, 1944. This implies a serious war context.
- Characters:
- Scottish Soldiers: Stereotypical image of brave, fierce, kilted warriors, invoking national pride. Their motivation shifts from “king” to “Scotland/Wallace” to pure vengeful fury.
- German Volkssturm: Young, inexperienced, scared conscripts. They’re the foil, reacting to the Scots’ perceived invincibility.
- German Veteran: Experienced, pragmatic, and the key to the joke’s structure. He knows when to fight and, crucially, when to really run.
- Scottish Commander: The embodiment of Scottish stereotypes (big, loud, proud). But most importantly, the butt of the joke, reduced to a poo-covered rage monster.
- Humor: The humor derives from the juxtaposition of:
- The serious war situation versus the farcical imagery.
- The gradual escalation of the Scotsman’s fury after being covered in excrement.
- The unexpected reversal – the veteran’s calm competence giving way to immediate retreat after the “splash.”
- The contrast between nationalistic fervor and basic human aversion to being covered in human waste. The Scotsman’s rage is funnier precisely because it’s over something so base.
Interesting/Factual Tidbits to Play Off Of:
- Volkssturm: These were essentially Hitler’s last-ditch defense force, comprised of old men and young boys. Their training was often minimal, and their equipment was inadequate. Knowing this makes their fear (and the veteran’s calm) even more understandable.
- William Wallace: Referencing Wallace taps into Scottish history and the legend of a warrior who defied English rule. The fact that the Scotsman invokes Wallace after the initial “For the King” adds a layer of escalating nationalistic zeal.
- Field Latrines: Life in the trenches was brutal. Disease, lack of sanitation, and constant bombardment were common. Falling into a latrine was a genuine fear (and a source of dark humor) for soldiers.
- Scottish Stereotypes: Scottish soldiers had a fearsome reputation in both World Wars. Their bravery and fighting spirit were well-documented, which adds a layer of irony to the joke’s exaggeration of these traits.
- The Power of Profanity: “YER BOGGIN’ SCUMFACES, YER FECKIN’ DEAD!” Scottish profanity is known for its vividness and colorfulness. The use of strong language after the excrement incident emphasizes the raw, primal rage of the commander.
New Humorous Piece (Witty Observation):
“The Western Front: Where nationalism and meticulous planning could be instantly undermined by a poorly located latrine and a veteran who understood that even the fiercest warrior has a breaking point… which, in this case, was precisely knee-deep in someone else’s business.”